Going to My Happy Place...

   I felt like I was floundering. I had no direction and am stuck in a plateau that has felt endless. I tried making myself do things I didn't want to do. Cutting calories way back, getting up in the morning to run and really still getting no where. If it doesn't make me happy... I don't want to make myself do it.

That is what has gotten me this far, I don't know why I thought I could change that. Of course this journey hasn't been easy, but I learned very quickly that making myself do something, doesn't create the life long habit that I want.

So! I am back to doing what I do best... having fun. I am doing the workouts that are fun for me and back to counting those good old calories. I admit it, I got cocky. I thought I knew what I was about and could just eye-ball all the food I was eating. NOPE. I was wrong. Getting too comfortable with the routine, gives room for errors.

I also had a fantastic run tonight. I thought it was supposed to rain, so I brought my gym clothes. When I was heading out of work, it was still sunny and 70... a run? YES PLEASE. I felt so happy getting out there in the decent weather. I can't stand the humid heat when I run and can barely crank out 3 miles... if that. Tonight I was past 4 miles and felt amazing. Even had a better pace than I had been running. Running shoes and pavement... that my friends... is my happy place.

Message I want others to get out of this post: Do what makes you happy. If you dread it, you won't make a life time commitment out of it.

**Still holding at 130 lbs. lost. Still trying to find that magic spark to get the last 50 lbs. or so off. I will get there though. No doubt about that.

Making Something Out of Nothing

I over think. I don't mean I over think a little, I mean I over think A LOT.

Over thinking can help greatly with living a healthy lifestyle. You have to over think your workout plans, meal plans and what happens if you make a mistake. Going out to eat alone is at least a good 20 minutes of over thinking for me. It is all in the plan and  how to get yourself to move forward on your journey.

Then there is the over thinking that can hinder your progress. Lately it has been innocent comments from others that I have been over thinking. I have been over sensitive about my decisions lately in regards to my food choices or workouts. I got food the other week from a place I hadn't in a few years. I told someone about it and all they said was... "You have went years w/o going there.". Pretty simple statement, but the guilt was huge. I take pride in the fact I haven't been to certain places (mainly fast food joints) in years. That feeling of sliding back into bad habits came with a jolt.

The other comment I got, was about me taking a morning off from working out. I have been pretty open about not being a morning person, but still wanting to get up and run. I got a run in on Thursday morning, it sucked, but I did it. The next day someone asked if I ran that morning. When I said no (it is usually my rest day). I got an "Oh Holly" (which I hate when people say that!) "You were supposed to run 2 days in a row!". I felt the guilt instantly as if I was slapped with it.

I know the people making the comments have absolutely no clue what it triggers in me. I over think anyways, so this is just part of that. However, I have this guilt and worry sitting in the pit of my stomach lately that I just can't get rid of. Maybe it is because I haven't lost any weight recently, maybe it is because I haven't picked out my next goal... or maybe it is that I am getting a little too comfortable about eating and my workouts. Whatever it is, I need to shake it off.

Feeling the worry and guilt doesn't solve anything. I need to focus my over thinking on the positives and how I am going to reach my over all weight loss goal. I will always over think. That is just who I am... I just need to focus towards something that is productive, instead of the negative.

Keeping the head up and moving forward.

Side note: My new plan for trying to incorporate morning work outs, is to wake up every day at the same time. Whether going for a run or just doing some exercise in my apartment. Every day I will attempt to do some fitness in the morning and still do my normal routine at night. My hope is to get in a routine and then start to increase my miles again. Yay for planning!

Wait... You Mean Everything Isn't Perfect?

"I would be so much happier if I lost weight..."

I don't know how many times I said this. Over and over I repeated this line before I lost weight and even at the beginning of it all. I was so unhappy, that was what I clung to. Losing weight = Happiness.

I would like to say, for the most part... yes. Yes, I am 99.9% happier than I was at 300 lbs. I feel better, move better and over all have a way better attitude. However... there is still that .1%. That .1% that creeps up on me from time to time... the .1% that can take me off track for just a bit.

I have been in the largest of large funks this week and it has been extremely hard to shake myself of this. I have been feeling increasingly insecure about my body. The loose skin, the excess weight still there and the fact that I haven't lost a significant amount of weight in a year. Yeah, I said a YEAR. I have been pretty in denial about that fact.

One of the things I loved so much about losing weight, was dropping the dress sizes! To date I have dropped 7 dresses sizes since starting this journey. Pretty amazing to think about. I became so used to dropping at least 2 dress sizes a year, that when I was trying my shorts on for this summer... they fit. Perfectly. Now I am sure you are going to think I am crazy but... I was a little irritated. This is the first season in a few years that I didn't have to buy new clothes. The shirts are a little big yes, but everything fits. I guess I wasn't ready for that yet.

With everything I have written above... I guess what it comes down to is, some days, I have "fat" days. Days where I feel like I am over weight and am mad at myself for not continuing on the fast track to the healthy BMI.... that .1% of unhappiness that I still feel.

ANYWAYS...

I can't let this post be all negative. That isn't me!

I haven't written anything since before the half marathon. WOW! I had the best time and have the best friends and family. The day couldn't have been more perfect. I ran almost the entire thing...! (year you read that right!) I finished in 2 hrs and 57 min. Which is only 2 minutes faster than last year... but I ran almost the entire thing! I walked when I drank water and that was a trick I learned right away. The first water stand I grabbed a cup... kept running... took a drink... and spilled the whole thing over my face and clothes. Lessons learned.... I am not the best at multi-tasking! I also walked when I eat my endurance cubes, let's be honest... that was needed.

The best moment of the day... running across that finish line and seeing my friends and family cheering like crazy! My grandparents, aunt, parents, sister and so many of my favorite people traveled to see me run across that finish line. This special little girl that I love dearly was even there with her little "Go Holly" t shirt. Damn do I love that. I love them all for being there. Specifically a certain man that drove 400 miles to see me on my big day. I still have a hard time talking to my boyfriend about this epic journey I have been on. Don't ask me why, because I don't understand it either. I just do. However, he knew how much this day meant to me and he was there 100% to support me. A girl couldn't be more lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people.

So I started this post whining and I end on a positive note. That is how I think it should be. Things may get me down, but there is always something or someone to bring me back up.

Remember to not let negativity run your life. Keep your head up.

Half Marathon Eve...

Well, it is that time again. The day before one of the biggest runs I will ever do. I am sitting here thinking about last year and how emotional this whole journey has been.

Last year...

Thinking about the tears, the doubts and over all emotional rollercoaster that was my training last year, it seems like ages ago. I didn't know if I would make it, I didn't know if that was what I wanted to do and if it was in me to finish. This previously 300 lbs. girl was going to try to run something that most people wouldn't even try. I was mad for making the goal, amazed that I was actually doing it and sure that I wasn't going to make it... but I did. I got over my doubts, proved to myself I could and crossed that finish line with pride and amazement.

The friends and family who helped me achieve that goal are priceless to me. The support, encouragement and all out faith they had in me can never be repaid. Seeing them at the finish line and there for one of the biggest moments of my life, I can't even put into words what it meant to me. They knew something that I didn't that day... I would make it.

This year...

This past year has been just as much of an emotional rollercoaster as last year. There is one difference though... I have more faith in myself. It has still been hard on my body, still have my doubts and still have those tears. The pressure is off of wondering if I am going to make it though. Sure, I still have a little doubt, but deep down...I know I will. The training was just as hard on me this year as it was last year. How can it  not be when I am running 10 plus miles on a regular basis? There were less runs though of having to make myself get out there. I can't explain why this year is so different and how I am more mentally prepared for it... I just am.

I am going to have a large group of friends and family there for me tomorrow. It still brings tears to my eyes knowing everyone that is standing behind me 100% I have family coming from out of town and my friends that are driving hours to be here for me. My boyfriend that will be coming back specifically for this and my local friends willing to get up early to meet me on the route and at the finish line. I absolutely love them all. They will never know how much this means to me to see them there. They inspire and motivate me to get to that finish line and complete something I had never dreamed of only a few years ago.

2 years ago I had this lovely couple invite me over for dinner, loan me a book and help me take my journey to that next level. I never knew they would help me find my love of running. They have supported, encouraged and knew before I did, that I could do this. The same goes for my training partner (aka partner in crime). If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have made it last year. We didn't train together this year, but we still are running, still encouraging each other.

So many others have helped me through this training, they know who they are. Couldn't have made it with out their advice, encouragement and listening to my endless whining at times. The endless texts, endless running posts and endless talking about running... my friends are patient as all heck. :)

So here I am again, the day before the big run. I am sipping my coffee and thinking about the past and wondering what is ahead in my future.

Keep Moving and Challenging Myself

First off...

I am still training for the half marathon that is less than a month away!!! I am more excited this year than I was last. I will never forget the run last year, but I was so nervous I wouldn't be able to finish, that that was all I focused on. This year, I know I can finish the run. My goal is to have fun and push myself to do my best.

I had a distance run last week that was a little difficult. The first part was getting my ass out the door. I wasn't into it and didn't feel like running distance.  Backing out wasn't an option though. I was running in a different neighborhood and got lost for a bit. Then about 6 miles in I took a face plant. ( I know some of you reading this aren't surprised that I fell haha) I tripped over the uneven sidewalk and banged up my knee and got a few scrapes. I sat there for a minute and asked myself if I was going to go on or go home... I went on. I ran another 6+ miles and got myself home. Sure I felt like crap, wanted to quit, but I didn't. I sure as hell pushed forward and didn't throw in the towel.

I. Kept. Moving.

This weeks distance run, how do I say this... It sucked. My friend Jamie (training partner for last year) and I went on a distance run and started at the top of the bluff. Too many layers, didn't eat enough and wasn't hydrated enough for this run. We ended up having to re-fill our water bottles (which I have never done) and kept going. I finished 2 minutes faster than I did the previous week during my face plant run... but it was a HUGE mental game to keeping going... but I kept moving. I got pretty sick after (isn't running glamorous?) and didn't want to ever run distance again... I will be doing it again this week! haha

Second part... The Challenge!

My new challenge is actually recycled from when I first started the biggest loser contest waaaay  back in 2011. It is to do some physical activity every day. I know I am doing a lot more than I did back then, but why can't I drop and do 100 crunches or a few push ups on my off day? No reason not to. Tomorrow will be a full week of doing daily physical activity. I want to see how far I can go with this, so I haven't set an end date. Keeps me moving and challenges me to do just a little bit more.

One more thing!!

I got a team together at work to start a new contest called Lose It! There was 18 people from my department alone that signed up. The contest officially starts tomorrow and goes until June 1st. I am ready to do this!! So happy there was a good turn out for our group.

Keep your head up and keeping moving.

For a girl that used to be over 300 lbs. I have to stop and look back once in a while... I am not doing so bad!

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   A sweet side note: After every distance run I do, there is one person that is the first to text me. My boyfriend has been part of my running "routine" since last fall. He is the first person I text after a run or is the first to ask me how it went. Always encouraging and telling me it will be alright when I don't think I did well. The poor guy has to hear me whine a lot a bout aches and pains, but never complains. He is a keeper, that's for sure.

Broken Record

I feel like a broken record. Always "starting over" and "getting back on track" and never really getting anywhere these days... as far as food is concerned.

I am doing well with the fitness, but as we all know, it is a balancing act between that and eating healthy. I am not counting calories like I did before. I am not measuring food either. I am coasting along with nutrition and not trying as hard as I used to. However, I am still making healthier choices by making sure I am choosing healthy food over the junk. That isn't enough though.

One can still over eat on healthy food. Sure you chose a salad... then you have yogurt, string cheese, apple and on and on. All healthy food, but the amount of calories still add up. I can be a "boredom eater", "Stress eater" (aw hell an emotional eater) sometimes and just eat because I want to. Letting my emotions run my nutrition is not healthy. Period. Even the foods that seem "healthy" can take me of track because I didn't look closer at the nutrition label. I always say I can be a control freak (not a bad thing sometimes). I have lost a little of that control I had over the healthier foods. Smaller portions and not eating when I am not hungry... that is where I need to rein things in.

This week the goal is to only eat the food I have planned for. Only the snacks I bring, only the lunch I made and only the dinner I planned. Nothing extra, even if someone brings food in. I used to be really good at turning things down, but I have gotten too "comfortable" with my choices. I need to get back into that routine. (broken record!)

A bigger goal isn't only better. Sometimes it is the trail of smaller goals that gets you to the ultimate one.

Next goal: No extra food for the week.

Losing Weight vs. Getting Fit?

That is always the question that runs through my mind when I get frustrated over the number on the scale. I have so  many people remind me, almost daily, that I am building muscle and that weighs more than fat... so the scale doesn't matter anymore.

That is a concept that I am not sure I will ever fully accept. I have lived by the scale since I started this journey. I admit, a bit obsessively. I get asked quite frequently ... "How much weight have you lost?" If I am not to measure my healthiness by the number on the scale... how am I to answer the question? How am I to feel like I am making progress?

I started doing hot yoga recently and have incorporated weights into my weekly workouts. I can tell a difference in my body already. Even though I have the excess skin, the muscles below that are there and becoming defined. I can even tell the difference when I run. My posture is better and the recovery is a lot faster than it was last year. The lbs. haven't changed, but my body sure has.

I recently had a night where I had a tiny bit of a melt down over gaining 2 lbs. It was one of those days where nothing was going right and I hopped on the scale to see where I was at for the day. I looked down and...I had gained. It just seemed like the last straw for that night. It didn't matter that I had just gotten done with hot yoga and was able to do a pose I hadn't been able to do before. It didn't matter that I fit comfortably in my size 10's and recently ordered bridesmaid dress 7 sizes smaller than the first one I had ever ordered. All that mattered to me in that moment was the number on the scale. It was an emotional low that I will unfortunately have more of. I can accept that... I can also accept the fact that I will always have someone in my life to help me out of those lows. I have so many people that help me when I feel frustrated.  I am also not the girl crying over French fries anymore, I am strong enough now, that I can bring myself out of those moments of frustration.

So back to the question of losing weight vs. getting fit... My body is capable of so much more than I have ever thought. Getting fit and proving to myself that I can do some pretty awesome things... that is what is most important to me. What is the point of losing the weight if I am not doing it in a healthy way and staying fit at the same time? I would rather have the muscles and be able to improve my physical fitness than lose an extreme amount of weight and not be physically healthy. Being skinny doesn't always mean healthy and that is something I forget quite frequently.


I will never not care about the number on the scale... but as long as I am healthy and can still see progress, I will be 100 times happier than I ever was 4 years ago.