Thursday, May 19, 2016

No Pictures Allowed? How I lost Myself This Past Year...

I was looking at some pictures on the wall the other day. Remembering the good times I have had with my friends and family. All of a sudden it hit me... I do not have any pictures from the past year, up on the walls.

When losing the weight, I loved trying on clothes, taking pictures and over all... looking in the mirror at my progress. Since gaining this 15 lbs., I have become extremely self-conscious. I have gotten worried when trying on clothes, trying to "suck it in" when taking pictures and just standing in front of the mirror like "what the f?".

Of course when things are going your way,  it doesn't matter if it is weight loss or whatever, everything is sunshine and rainbows. Once things aren't going your way (not losing weight or gaining), you start to doubt yourself, get negative and even feel shame.

I feel it. I feel the shame and will stand in front of that mirror and just say "what is wrong with you?". I am sure I am not the only one in the world feeling this way, but it is such a huge step back. The only thing I can be grateful for, is that it isn't every day. That would be one negative life! I know it is an emotional black hole, that is very hard to dig yourself out of. I am not perfect. I can't keep a positive attitude 100%. However, I like the 80/20 rule. I am allowed 20% of negativity to 80% of positivity. I think that is a good balance.

Apparently I have been, without realizing it, ashamed of how I look, so I didn't want any pictures up to show it. Now that I am aware of what I was doing, I am going to get some pics up. I need to. I need to prove to myself I am not that far off from where I was. I can get there again, I just have to find the right path.

What I am doing today helps. I have been continuing my 5 day a week workouts. I have been running 2 days a week, 2 days of weights and a day of yoga or Pilates. I also have been using my Loseit app and counting calories religiously again. Steps in the right direction.

 Since moving to NC, I do go out to eat more often, which is a change from when I originally started this journey. I am aware though that my choices are more so of what I want at the time and not being prepared to find the healthiest meal on the menu. Being aware and admitting the miss step, is a small victory.

 The plan  moving forward is to stay away from the "3 C's"... Nothing Creamy, Crunchy or Cheesy, when out for dinner. Keep it in check. I don't want to ruin my weeks progress on a few high calorie meals over the weekend. I am still able to be out and enjoy time with my boyfriend w/o feeling guilty about what I am eating.

Turning a little negativity into a whole lot of positivity. I am starting to feel like my "old/new" self, once again.

Keep your head up.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Yes! I am still alive.

It has been a long time since I have even attempted a post. I could give you a laundry list of why... but I won't. It has been a while, but I am back! We will leave it at that.

One bit of exciting news is that I am writing this blog post from.... North Carolina! Yes, I left my homeland of WI and am now living in North Carolina with Kedrick. We made the move so that we would be closer to his job sites and he wouldn't have to travel so much. Needless to say... it has been an adventure!

I am settling in pretty well. I was able to keep my job and am working from home. That is very very new to me. I am a social person, so it has been a hard adjustment so far. It will be worth it though! I love my job and the people I work with, so we will make it work.

On thing that is extremely hard with working from home, is not going overboard with snacking and eating through they day. The plus about physically going to work is that I would bring my food for the day and that was it. I wouldn't have the option really to eat more or "graze". That has been very difficult. I have kept pretty healthy snacks and only getting food that I need for the week and that is it. It has helped, but I know there are days I eat more than I should have. Over eating healthy food is totally a thing! I am not going to beat myself up about it, but I need to make sure those days are few and far between. More to come on this! I will find a way to make it work.

So that is where I am at with my relationship with food... trying to hold myself back. My workout routine has been rockin though! I am very much a routine person. Now that we have been here a few weeks, I feel like I am finally getting it. I am working out in the morning, 5 days a week and doing activity at night. There is a gym here at the apartment and even a pool. Since I work a little later here, I get the gym to myself every day. How awesome is that?? I am also getting my running back. I go to a trail that is close by and run my laps. It is peaceful and again, not a whole lot of people around.

I think I am finally getting back to me. Trying to live that healthy lifestyle without stressing myself out too much. I actually am not even weighing myself as much as I had been... which was obsessively! Still haven't lost the weight that I have gained, but I am getting healthy, that is what it is about!

So this is the start of hopefully writing more on the blog, going out and exploring my new city and have a lot more adventures.