Sunday, February 21, 2016

Confessions of a food addict: Part 1

I was hoping this past week, things would calm down a little. Not so much luck. Still a lot going on professionally and personally that has helped me continue on this path of destruction with emotional eating. I feel that I have pretty much hit rock  bottom. The only positive side, is the fact that this rock bottom wasn't my initial rock bottom. Yes, there are apparently a plethora of rock bottoms in this absolutely crazy journey.

I am a food addict.

The more I say it, the more it should help... right? I have admitted it many times.... soooo I should just be able to move forward. No? That isn't how it works? Well... shit.

Today is my day though. I almost said "Let's start Monday.". NO. I am not falling into that trap. I have learned way too much in the last 5 years. This starts today and will continue going forward.

The hard part is routine. With so much going on, it is hard to gather a routine. Which I need. I need that, so I don't talk myself out of things. Like I have in the past week. I am going to try though. Really, really try.

I already have the days planned out that I am going to run. I am going to try the new app from work that has a TON of work out videos. If I can't run, I will do those. They even have a 20 minute one. NO excuses.

Food. Food is a big issue for me. I just need to get back to meat and veggies for lunch. We will start there. Baby steps.

My small victories are back in full swing. It will get better... it has to get better.

Otherwise I will have no clothes to wear once spring really hits!

Thursday, February 11, 2016

What You Eat in Private... Shows in Public

My weight loss is officially at a stand still. To be honest... it is more rolling backwards than at a stand still. My clothes are starting to get tight and I can see the weight. 15 lbs gained will do that to you.

That last sentence was huge for me to state. I panicked when I realized that is how much I had gained back. I swore to myself I wouldn't tell anyone and that I will just get the weight off asap. Now thinking back... a thought like this: "If you don't tell anyone, no one knows and no one will think of you as failure." is not fair to myself or the people around me. I need to be honest so others know it is okay to be honest and to stay accountable for my actions. I have hit a rough patch, but will get through it. I will. It is just a matter of when.

Lots going on in my life these days. Biggest thing: I am moving to North Carolina next month. CRAZY! I am excited and really nervous. Sad to leave my friends and family, but really excited for the adventure and spend more time with my boyfriend. 

The process of making this decision and getting things put together for the move, is stressful to say the least. Emotional Eater + Stress + food addict = bad news bears. 

I am trying. I really am, but then I start to see all the treats around me every single day and going out to eat and not even bothering to check calories... I swear I am addicted to sugar again... it is all very overwhelming. At least I am still being active and working out 4 days a week. However, calories in vs calories out... shit gets real. So in all actuality... the weight gain could be worse!

Other thing is, the fact I am cooking not just myself but my significant other as well. Which is very new. Before I only had to worry about myself. If I wanted a bowl full of cabbage for dinner, that is what I would have. I wouldn't keep sweets or things in the house bc I knew how I was. Living with someone is a game changer. Really this is one big twist in the journey, that I have to figure out. Thank goodness K loves all the low calorie meals and things that I cook! Very lucky in that. Just need to figure out the portions better for myself and get back to being more careful when I go out to eat... It is a whole new level to me. I can't look at his plate and think that I can eat the same portion. That is not healthy thinking... that is food addict thinking.

I am hoping that I can at least stop gaining the weight while in the process of moving. Then I can get settled and back on track. I just really don't know what to do right now... How do I get that healthier mentality back?? 

Hopefully the answer will come soon.

Being honest with myself and others has been a positive thing. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to say something out loud... it makes it real. Which can be scary. The biggest thing... you don't have to go through this journey alone. I just needed that little reminder.