Monday, July 29, 2013

The Insecurities in Trying Something New Once Again...

Why do I feel the need to put myself in these situations?? I know I will never know what I am capable of unless I try... but that gut wrenching feeling of trying something new is unbearable sometimes...

I agreed to do a Zombie Quarantine run next month. I don't do obstacle courses. At all. I am not a fan of the unknown and that is exactly what I got myself into. My friends (who I love dearly!) talked me into it... okay I was called a wuss and someone pulled the birthday card on me! I couldn't say no. So now I am freaking out.

I started running again after a 2 week break for heat/business. I was dumb and tried to do it w/o water tonight. NOT SMART. Calling myself out: I only did a 3.4 mile run and I had to walk a few times. I will get my shit together for the next run.

The fact that it is a team challenge is another added affect to this... what if I hold them back from having fun? If I can't do something, does that affect the team? I don't want others to be disappointed if I can't do something... I know I am the only one thinking these things... but I can't seem to help myself!

My freak outs come and go. One minute I know it will be fun and the next I am back in gym class trying (and failing) at jumping a hurdle and swinging on the rope during an obstacle course. Being the fat girl in gym class once again.

To some this isn't a big deal... to the girl that was over 300 lbs. (some forget that sometimes) it is a huge deal. It is just one more thing to conquer I guess.

 I will put my big girl panties on and get this done... and quietly freak out before hand...

Sunday, July 14, 2013

A Dress...

Who knew a dress could bring up so many memories?

When visiting my parents, I looked into one of the closets where a bunch of my bridesmaid dresses and a few prom dresses hang. There was one dress that stuck out to me. My 8th grade graduation dress.

I remember going shopping with my grandma and great aunt. That was the tradition in our family. They took us out of school and we had a day of shopping and going to lunch. I remember how hard it was to find a dress because of my size back then. Yeah in 8th grade I was already pretty  big. I did luckily find this purple dress that I loved. It was a woman's size... 20. Yes you read that right. I was about a size 16 pant in 8th grade, but had to get a size 20 dress. (we all know how sizes can change with styles) I was of course embarrassed, but again it didn't change anything. I did have a great day with my family and will always remember the good parts.

Back to the dress...

I grabbed the dress and brought it back with me. I was thinking I could have it taken in, because it is a style that is pretty classic. I tried the dress on and... look at the picture below:


See all that fabric I am holding? The thing is like a sack on me! I love it! It hangs down almost to my ankles and is just... huge. That is the dress from my 8th grade graduation...!
It really puts things into perspective of how far I have really come. Right now, when I am stuck on a plateau... it doesn't seem so bad.
Things that motivate...

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Anxiety and Frustration

I was so excited to kick that plateau earlier this month. Now I have to focus on the weight gained over the holiday weekend. So frustrating. I am so focused on that number and it is controlling my moods at times. I want that number to start going down... just seems to be staying no matter what I do...


Sunday, July 7, 2013

Looking Into The Mirror...

Holiday weekends. Gotta love them. Great memories are made, lots of laughs, spending time with your favorite people and... eating and drinking way too much.

I have those days, I have those weeks. I have been handling them a lot better than the first time I had a splurge weekend. No crying over French fries this time! I feel bad about it all. It could have been way worse, I was thinking about the amount of the not so healthy food I was eating. Which did keep me in check with a lot of things. Unfortunately it was all really salty stuff. Food that I am not used to eating and food that can still make me feel guilty. Or rather, I make myself feel guilty for eating it.

I have had those days and have gotten past it. This time it had a little more effect on me. I had to try on my bridesmaid dress for a wedding that I am in in 2 weeks. I love the dress, but unfortunately it doesn't fit at the moment. You know that sizes of dresses are all different, especially for bridesmaid dresses. For my cousin's wedding I had to have the same dress size taken in. This one is just a bit snug and doesn't zip all the way. I have had anxiety over trying the dress on since I got up this morning. I knew. KNEW that it wasn't going to fit and that it may be worse than it was before.

I went over to T's house to have her start doing the alterations. I was trying it on and of course I couldn't  get the zipper all the way up. I turned and looked in the mirror... and my stomach dropped. Right then and there I had a flashback to another bridesmaid dress at another time... Having to order the largest size the dress came in and then having to buy a shawl in the same color. Reason for that? It still needed to be let out. It was humiliating and standing on that step to have the lady try to figure out how she was going to make this dress look good on me. Once again... it wasn't the spark I needed to change my life yet.

I don't ever want to feel that way again. I KNOW I am not even close to the size I was when that happened. The combination of feeling guilty over the indulgent weekend and the dress still not fitting was just too much.

T did tell me she could do a little tweaking and it will look fantastic. She said not much needed to be done. Which was fantastic news. I was waiting for her to tell me she couldn't take it out as much as it needs to be. I was waiting for the worst news of... you need a bigger size. It didn't happen and that is all that matters.

This week is a new week and a time for me to get back to being me. Holidays and going out of town always throw a person of. It wasn't a totally horrible weekend food wise, it was just more in my head. Yes I gained, but I am sure a lot of it is the salt. Back at it tomorrow with even more motivation to get that dress to fit.

Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend!

Monday, July 1, 2013

Read A Blog That Made Me Think...

I was reading one of my favorite healthy living blogs. I really enjoy reading about other people's journey and how much I can relate to some of their stories. This one post today, really got me thinking.

The question she was asking... Can a personal trainer that has never been over weight really understand and help someone who has a significant amount of weight to lose?

The story she told was of a trainer that just "assumed" that over weight people are weak. That really burns me to even think about, but unfortunately that is a stereo type out there. Weak, lazy or just doesn't care. I have heard it all.

I am not saying I know how all over weight people think/feel or even the medical issues that some have. For me, personally, I was an emotional eater. I had no control. I looked at food as "good or bad", something I needed to hide. That is where the relationship between me and my stomach took a turn for the worst. I am not proud of how I used to abuse food, it makes me sad to think of the reasons why. I can stress over those days and hate myself for what I did back then... but at the end of the day, I am here.

I still have set backs and still can be an emotional eater... who isn't? But it is how I have changed my lifestyle that makes it all alright. I am on the right track and am not that same person anymore.

So, I got a little off topic here... A personal trainer that has never been over weight... can they really relate? In my opinion it is about the client. If they get the motivation from their trainer to change their life, who am I to say? However, I do see the other side. How can you honestly help someone and tell them you "understand", when in all reality you can't relate?

My biggest concern would be that they would push their client too much and too far to help them stick with it. It becomes overwhelming and one would give up. You hear the jokes about people being all "fitness" at the beginning of the year and then losing their motivation. Slow and steady wins the race... at least for me and I am thinking for most people. You change 100% of your habits at once? It gets to be too much and it is way too easy to give up. That is one of the biggest things that I have learned from this journey.

 Main opinion: As long as any negative thoughts or judgments never make it on the fit trainer's face or in their comments... I am cool with it.

What are  your thoughts on this topic?