Wednesday, August 5, 2015

6 Weeks in and Some Things Don't Always Go As You Plan...

No matter how much you think and plan on how it will go.

I know it has been quite a while since I have posted. Summer is always busy for everyone! Hard to find a "lazy summer day" anymore.

I have been going to that new gym for about 7 weeks or so. (I week was free) I have 2 weeks left yet of the 8 week cycle. It has been an adventure! I have had a love and dislike of the classes on and off. (loving it more than not!)

First off... I have NEVER gone this long w/o running, in 3 years. It has been hard and I may have whined... a lot (Sorry to my boyfriend and Chanel!) I did squeeze in a run or two though and even up and ran the Firecracker 4 mile run!

The first week was flat out insane. I could barely stand when I got out of a chair. Slowly it got easier though and I have learned so much. The only equipment is kettle bells, boxes and a few other randoms that you find in a regular gym. Every work out has been different. That kept me interested. I never knew what I was doing on a Monday, however my favorite work out was always on Wednesdays... KICKBOXING! So much fun!

All in all I have lost about 6 lbs. since starting. Not a whole lot and not the amount that I still have to lose to get to my lowest, but it is a start. I know I have built muscle and improved my balance. I feel better and feel I have stepped it up every week. (double kick on the bag, ow! ow!)

SO! 2 weeks left and I think I am going to pass on the membership at this time. It is about to be prime season to run (for me lol) and already have the membership still at the gym where I work. I do not regret signing up for the 8 weeks at all. Like I said, I learned so much. I encourage everyone to try something they haven't! You may not like it, continue to do it or even hate it... but you are trying and you may learn something that you can take with you to the next adventure.

Great expectations don't always pan out in reality...

I also just had my 10 year class reunion. I know! I can't believe it was already here and gone. I have honestly dreamt about this day, probably since I have graduated. I promised myself I was going to come back and wow everyone. I am going to lose weight and not be the "fat girl" that I was.

Well I did it. I came back and am over 100 lbs. less than I was when I graduated. I was nervous. More than I care to admit. However, the love of my life was by my side and my bestie and bestie in-law were there. (never get enough face time with them!) It was a fun night of visiting with old friends and having a few drinks (lots of drinks oy!)

So my question... Why do I feel so empty? This was supposed to be the "perfect" night. I am not even close to the person I was before and met the "goal" that I set. So why can't I shake this sense of sadness? I set my expectation of how everything would go, so high... there was no way to meet it.

I have also looked forward to it so long, I can't believe it is over. Always in the back of mind through the years was... "gotta do it for the 10 year class reunion." and "just wait until I walk in". I know, sounds a little conceded! Just being  honest.

I sit here tonight and think: I made the mistake many in my shoes make... thinking the weight loss will make me happy, the night perfect and everything okay. There will be no more insecurities, no more self doubt and no more "fat shaming" yourself.

I know better: These things don't go away. They get quieter and come less often... but they are still there. Just because the night wasn't all that I built it up to be, doesn't mean it wasn't an awesome night of fun with old classmates and friends. I need to and will be happy with that.

Positivity will get you everywhere. That I guess is where I need to go with this. Sure I am feeling lost and unsure about what is next (less so since typing this), but those thoughts won't be there for long. This journey has it's ups and downs, but if you don't keep that positivity and continue setting those goals, you will never make it. Harsh, but true.

This blog has helped me really analyze some of the thoughts and feelings that I have had through this journey. I doubt myself less and don't bottle everything inside as much.It has helped me in more than a few ways and I hope that someone out there can relate and know... there are people who are there and who understand the issues.

I may over share sometimes, but really... I need to be honest. Honest to myself and honest to anyone out there that may want to or has already started this journey.

Keep your head up my friends!