Saturday, February 15, 2014

Being So Wrong...

Everyone has some sort of body issue. Doesn't matter who you are, one can always find something wrong with their body. Growing up and being over weight, I always had the thought "I will would be much happier if I lost weight. All my problems will be solved.".

How na├»ve was I to base all my happiness on the number I saw on a scale. I was an unhappy 300 lb. girl who KNEW all my problems would be fixed... if I was skinny. A lot of my unhappiness was based on my weight and the insecurities I felt with being so big. I used food as a crutch when I was sad or disappointed. Hell, I used food to celebrate and "relax". I was dealing with my feelings in all the wrong ways and my solution to those feelings... was still incorrect.

With having lost 130 lbs. in the last 3 years, I can say with all honesty... I AM HAPPIER. I have grown so much in the last 3 years and wouldn't take any of it back. It has been hard work, emotionally draining and one hell of a good time. However, the weight loss hasn't been the cure all for my body issues that I still have. Simply, I have the same issues with a few added new ones.

Recently I read an article highlighting this topic and have been thinking more and more about these insecurities. I've had this issue before, where I look in the mirror and see the same 300 lb. girl that I was. I don't see that person when looking in the mirror today, but I still feel huge some days. I have been the same weight for months and can't seem to get past it. The more I think about it the more frustrated I get.

Between the number on the scale and the excess skin I see on my body... that happiness that I am supposed to be feeling dwindles a little more. I get so angry at myself at times for letting myself get so big. I see that skin and it reminds me of how I ruined my body... harsh thoughts, but honest thoughts.

As time goes on, these thoughts come less and less. I am a fighter and won't let negativity bring me down. However, bringing that awareness that weight loss will NOT solve all your problems is very important. Anyone going through a life changing journey like this will have negative thoughts, but those moments will not define who you are.

I am not perfect and can't be positive all the time. As long as I don't let the negativity overwhelm me, I will survive and WILL be a happier person because of it. The number on the scale or size of my clothes do not define who I am... This journey has showed me way more than I ever thought it would.

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