I was looking at some pictures on the wall the other day. Remembering the good times I have had with my friends and family. All of a sudden it hit me... I do not have any pictures from the past year, up on the walls.
When losing the weight, I loved trying on clothes, taking pictures and over all... looking in the mirror at my progress. Since gaining this 15 lbs., I have become extremely self-conscious. I have gotten worried when trying on clothes, trying to "suck it in" when taking pictures and just standing in front of the mirror like "what the f?".
Of course when things are going your way, it doesn't matter if it is weight loss or whatever, everything is sunshine and rainbows. Once things aren't going your way (not losing weight or gaining), you start to doubt yourself, get negative and even feel shame.
I feel it. I feel the shame and will stand in front of that mirror and just say "what is wrong with you?". I am sure I am not the only one in the world feeling this way, but it is such a huge step back. The only thing I can be grateful for, is that it isn't every day. That would be one negative life! I know it is an emotional black hole, that is very hard to dig yourself out of. I am not perfect. I can't keep a positive attitude 100%. However, I like the 80/20 rule. I am allowed 20% of negativity to 80% of positivity. I think that is a good balance.
Apparently I have been, without realizing it, ashamed of how I look, so I didn't want any pictures up to show it. Now that I am aware of what I was doing, I am going to get some pics up. I need to. I need to prove to myself I am not that far off from where I was. I can get there again, I just have to find the right path.
What I am doing today helps. I have been continuing my 5 day a week workouts. I have been running 2 days a week, 2 days of weights and a day of yoga or Pilates. I also have been using my Loseit app and counting calories religiously again. Steps in the right direction.
Since moving to NC, I do go out to eat more often, which is a change from when I originally started this journey. I am aware though that my choices are more so of what I want at the time and not being prepared to find the healthiest meal on the menu. Being aware and admitting the miss step, is a small victory.
The plan moving forward is to stay away from the "3 C's"... Nothing Creamy, Crunchy or Cheesy, when out for dinner. Keep it in check. I don't want to ruin my weeks progress on a few high calorie meals over the weekend. I am still able to be out and enjoy time with my boyfriend w/o feeling guilty about what I am eating.
Turning a little negativity into a whole lot of positivity. I am starting to feel like my "old/new" self, once again.
Keep your head up.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Yes! I am still alive.
It has been a long time since I have even attempted a post. I could give you a laundry list of why... but I won't. It has been a while, but I am back! We will leave it at that.
One bit of exciting news is that I am writing this blog post from.... North Carolina! Yes, I left my homeland of WI and am now living in North Carolina with Kedrick. We made the move so that we would be closer to his job sites and he wouldn't have to travel so much. Needless to say... it has been an adventure!
I am settling in pretty well. I was able to keep my job and am working from home. That is very very new to me. I am a social person, so it has been a hard adjustment so far. It will be worth it though! I love my job and the people I work with, so we will make it work.
On thing that is extremely hard with working from home, is not going overboard with snacking and eating through they day. The plus about physically going to work is that I would bring my food for the day and that was it. I wouldn't have the option really to eat more or "graze". That has been very difficult. I have kept pretty healthy snacks and only getting food that I need for the week and that is it. It has helped, but I know there are days I eat more than I should have. Over eating healthy food is totally a thing! I am not going to beat myself up about it, but I need to make sure those days are few and far between. More to come on this! I will find a way to make it work.
So that is where I am at with my relationship with food... trying to hold myself back. My workout routine has been rockin though! I am very much a routine person. Now that we have been here a few weeks, I feel like I am finally getting it. I am working out in the morning, 5 days a week and doing activity at night. There is a gym here at the apartment and even a pool. Since I work a little later here, I get the gym to myself every day. How awesome is that?? I am also getting my running back. I go to a trail that is close by and run my laps. It is peaceful and again, not a whole lot of people around.
I think I am finally getting back to me. Trying to live that healthy lifestyle without stressing myself out too much. I actually am not even weighing myself as much as I had been... which was obsessively! Still haven't lost the weight that I have gained, but I am getting healthy, that is what it is about!
So this is the start of hopefully writing more on the blog, going out and exploring my new city and have a lot more adventures.
Cheers!
One bit of exciting news is that I am writing this blog post from.... North Carolina! Yes, I left my homeland of WI and am now living in North Carolina with Kedrick. We made the move so that we would be closer to his job sites and he wouldn't have to travel so much. Needless to say... it has been an adventure!
I am settling in pretty well. I was able to keep my job and am working from home. That is very very new to me. I am a social person, so it has been a hard adjustment so far. It will be worth it though! I love my job and the people I work with, so we will make it work.
On thing that is extremely hard with working from home, is not going overboard with snacking and eating through they day. The plus about physically going to work is that I would bring my food for the day and that was it. I wouldn't have the option really to eat more or "graze". That has been very difficult. I have kept pretty healthy snacks and only getting food that I need for the week and that is it. It has helped, but I know there are days I eat more than I should have. Over eating healthy food is totally a thing! I am not going to beat myself up about it, but I need to make sure those days are few and far between. More to come on this! I will find a way to make it work.
So that is where I am at with my relationship with food... trying to hold myself back. My workout routine has been rockin though! I am very much a routine person. Now that we have been here a few weeks, I feel like I am finally getting it. I am working out in the morning, 5 days a week and doing activity at night. There is a gym here at the apartment and even a pool. Since I work a little later here, I get the gym to myself every day. How awesome is that?? I am also getting my running back. I go to a trail that is close by and run my laps. It is peaceful and again, not a whole lot of people around.
I think I am finally getting back to me. Trying to live that healthy lifestyle without stressing myself out too much. I actually am not even weighing myself as much as I had been... which was obsessively! Still haven't lost the weight that I have gained, but I am getting healthy, that is what it is about!
So this is the start of hopefully writing more on the blog, going out and exploring my new city and have a lot more adventures.
Cheers!
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Confessions of a food addict: Part 1
I was hoping this past week, things would calm down a little. Not so much luck. Still a lot going on professionally and personally that has helped me continue on this path of destruction with emotional eating. I feel that I have pretty much hit rock bottom. The only positive side, is the fact that this rock bottom wasn't my initial rock bottom. Yes, there are apparently a plethora of rock bottoms in this absolutely crazy journey.
I am a food addict.
The more I say it, the more it should help... right? I have admitted it many times.... soooo I should just be able to move forward. No? That isn't how it works? Well... shit.
Today is my day though. I almost said "Let's start Monday.". NO. I am not falling into that trap. I have learned way too much in the last 5 years. This starts today and will continue going forward.
The hard part is routine. With so much going on, it is hard to gather a routine. Which I need. I need that, so I don't talk myself out of things. Like I have in the past week. I am going to try though. Really, really try.
I already have the days planned out that I am going to run. I am going to try the new app from work that has a TON of work out videos. If I can't run, I will do those. They even have a 20 minute one. NO excuses.
Food. Food is a big issue for me. I just need to get back to meat and veggies for lunch. We will start there. Baby steps.
My small victories are back in full swing. It will get better... it has to get better.
Otherwise I will have no clothes to wear once spring really hits!
I am a food addict.
The more I say it, the more it should help... right? I have admitted it many times.... soooo I should just be able to move forward. No? That isn't how it works? Well... shit.
Today is my day though. I almost said "Let's start Monday.". NO. I am not falling into that trap. I have learned way too much in the last 5 years. This starts today and will continue going forward.
The hard part is routine. With so much going on, it is hard to gather a routine. Which I need. I need that, so I don't talk myself out of things. Like I have in the past week. I am going to try though. Really, really try.
I already have the days planned out that I am going to run. I am going to try the new app from work that has a TON of work out videos. If I can't run, I will do those. They even have a 20 minute one. NO excuses.
Food. Food is a big issue for me. I just need to get back to meat and veggies for lunch. We will start there. Baby steps.
My small victories are back in full swing. It will get better... it has to get better.
Otherwise I will have no clothes to wear once spring really hits!
Thursday, February 11, 2016
What You Eat in Private... Shows in Public
My weight loss is officially at a stand still. To be honest... it is more rolling backwards than at a stand still. My clothes are starting to get tight and I can see the weight. 15 lbs gained will do that to you.
That last sentence was huge for me to state. I panicked when I realized that is how much I had gained back. I swore to myself I wouldn't tell anyone and that I will just get the weight off asap. Now thinking back... a thought like this: "If you don't tell anyone, no one knows and no one will think of you as failure." is not fair to myself or the people around me. I need to be honest so others know it is okay to be honest and to stay accountable for my actions. I have hit a rough patch, but will get through it. I will. It is just a matter of when.
Lots going on in my life these days. Biggest thing: I am moving to North Carolina next month. CRAZY! I am excited and really nervous. Sad to leave my friends and family, but really excited for the adventure and spend more time with my boyfriend.
The process of making this decision and getting things put together for the move, is stressful to say the least. Emotional Eater + Stress + food addict = bad news bears.
I am trying. I really am, but then I start to see all the treats around me every single day and going out to eat and not even bothering to check calories... I swear I am addicted to sugar again... it is all very overwhelming. At least I am still being active and working out 4 days a week. However, calories in vs calories out... shit gets real. So in all actuality... the weight gain could be worse!
Other thing is, the fact I am cooking not just myself but my significant other as well. Which is very new. Before I only had to worry about myself. If I wanted a bowl full of cabbage for dinner, that is what I would have. I wouldn't keep sweets or things in the house bc I knew how I was. Living with someone is a game changer. Really this is one big twist in the journey, that I have to figure out. Thank goodness K loves all the low calorie meals and things that I cook! Very lucky in that. Just need to figure out the portions better for myself and get back to being more careful when I go out to eat... It is a whole new level to me. I can't look at his plate and think that I can eat the same portion. That is not healthy thinking... that is food addict thinking.
I am hoping that I can at least stop gaining the weight while in the process of moving. Then I can get settled and back on track. I just really don't know what to do right now... How do I get that healthier mentality back??
Hopefully the answer will come soon.
Being honest with myself and others has been a positive thing. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to say something out loud... it makes it real. Which can be scary. The biggest thing... you don't have to go through this journey alone. I just needed that little reminder.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Not myself, but trying...
This will be a short post. This is more of a confession and promise, than a real post...
Confession- I have gained over 10 lbs. back
Promise- I will take those 10 lbs and the last of it off... this time I will succeed.
There will be ups and downs. This journey isn't for the faint of heart. There is disappointing times, hard times and down right impossible times. However, it is what you learn from it, that matters.
Grow with the struggles...
I will be back. :)
Confession- I have gained over 10 lbs. back
Promise- I will take those 10 lbs and the last of it off... this time I will succeed.
There will be ups and downs. This journey isn't for the faint of heart. There is disappointing times, hard times and down right impossible times. However, it is what you learn from it, that matters.
Grow with the struggles...
I will be back. :)
Monday, November 9, 2015
Telling My Story and The Bag That Was Packed for 3 weeks
Today was a good day. No, not just a good day... a GREAT day. I always say it is the little things in life that can make you happy... well I had a small victory day. Boy has it been a while!
I started my day with being a guest speaker at UW-L. My friend teaches there and asked me once again to speak with her class. I am so honored that she thinks of me. A student asked her a question last year... What was the biggest transformation she personally witnessed. I am the first person she thought of!
This is the second time I have done this and I was still nervous. I worry about rambling or getting lost in what I want to say. It helps to have a power point of pictures and an outline... but really I just talk and tell my story. Tell them why I started and how I started. Tell them about the time I literally cried over eating french fries or how excited I was to be like everyone else and try on a bridesmaid dress. Or the time I signed up for one of the hardest 5k runs in the area (yeah, I still remember that!). (I got a few chuckles)
What means the most to me is that I am getting my story out, which is similar to many others. Giving others an insight on how hard it is to lose weight and break eating habits that have been going on for years and years... it is priceless. Having just one person understand or even be inspired by the story, is enough for me.
Going to speak to this class also means a lot to me personally. It helps me stay motivated and reminds me to look back. I need to look back at that unhappy person and remind myself I am never going to be in that place mentally or physically again. It helps me keep moving forward and not give up. This has been a really hard time of not working out and not losing weight. I have a new spark that I am excited about though. A spark that will keep me positive and moving forward. That is what speaking about my journey does for me.
The Bag That Was Packed for 3 Weeks...
Has been finally taken out and about! Yes, that gym bag that I had packed right before the appendix had to come out, was taken to the gym today. I was able to do 30 minutes on the elliptical. Not as easy as it used to be, but I got through it. 3 weeks off is no joke my friends!
I am excited to be doing this much and am planning on slowly building on to it. Starting from scratch, but feels oh so good!
Small victory for the day.
I started my day with being a guest speaker at UW-L. My friend teaches there and asked me once again to speak with her class. I am so honored that she thinks of me. A student asked her a question last year... What was the biggest transformation she personally witnessed. I am the first person she thought of!
This is the second time I have done this and I was still nervous. I worry about rambling or getting lost in what I want to say. It helps to have a power point of pictures and an outline... but really I just talk and tell my story. Tell them why I started and how I started. Tell them about the time I literally cried over eating french fries or how excited I was to be like everyone else and try on a bridesmaid dress. Or the time I signed up for one of the hardest 5k runs in the area (yeah, I still remember that!). (I got a few chuckles)
What means the most to me is that I am getting my story out, which is similar to many others. Giving others an insight on how hard it is to lose weight and break eating habits that have been going on for years and years... it is priceless. Having just one person understand or even be inspired by the story, is enough for me.
Going to speak to this class also means a lot to me personally. It helps me stay motivated and reminds me to look back. I need to look back at that unhappy person and remind myself I am never going to be in that place mentally or physically again. It helps me keep moving forward and not give up. This has been a really hard time of not working out and not losing weight. I have a new spark that I am excited about though. A spark that will keep me positive and moving forward. That is what speaking about my journey does for me.
The Bag That Was Packed for 3 Weeks...
Has been finally taken out and about! Yes, that gym bag that I had packed right before the appendix had to come out, was taken to the gym today. I was able to do 30 minutes on the elliptical. Not as easy as it used to be, but I got through it. 3 weeks off is no joke my friends!
I am excited to be doing this much and am planning on slowly building on to it. Starting from scratch, but feels oh so good!
Small victory for the day.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Starting From Scratch...
I need to start from square one. Here is the reason why...
A few weeks ago, my appendix decided to throw a fit and needed to be evicted. Not something I was expecting. (which no one is!) The surgery went well though and I am on the mend. However, what these means is that I have needed to time to heal and have not been able to workout or run as I was before.
I felt like I was just starting to get back into running on a regular basis, right before this surgery. Now it has been about 3 weeks since the surgery and have been able to go on walks a couple times a week, but that has been about it. I have one more week of weight restrictions and then I am able to slowly get back to it. This is the longest I have gone w/o working out. It has been maddening to say the least!
I have been trying so hard to keep my calories under control. I have not been perfect, but have been using my loseit app and been counting calories. I haven't gained weight as I thought I would, since I was not active, but I haven't lost any of it either. If you have read my previous posts, you know I am not happy where I am at today w/ my weight. On one end I should be happy though, that I haven't gained a bunch of weight, but on the other end I am just stuck where I have always been stuck. It is frustrating.
Tomorrow I am going to go to the gym for the first time in a few weeks. My plan is to hop on the elliptical and hopefully get a decent workout in. I am hoping it won't be as jarring as running would be at the moment. Unfortunately w/ the excess skin/fat and the motions of running, it is not ideal for the incisions that are still a little tender. (TMI I know! lol) I am trying to not push too hard, but I need to do something. It just feels like starting over. I am not going to be where I was physically before... so it is going to be a lot of hard work once again. Well, it is always hard work, it is just going to be harder not just physically but mentally.
On another note...
I was asked once again to be a guest speaker for my friends college class. I will be sharing my weight loss journey and I am honored to be asked. I am nervous though. To be perfectly honest, I feel like a fraud right now. I have not been losing weight consistently, I have had my bad days with food... it is just hard to look back and see how far off I am right now. HOWEVER, this is so good for me. I need this. I need to look back and tell my story not just so others understand where some people are coming from as far as weight struggles, but also to remind myself that I am no where near where I started and that... I am doing okay.
The biggest message that I want to give to others while sharing my story...
Never say "can't you just" to someone. Can't you just- stop eating. Can't you just get off your butt. Can't you just.... NO! There is not a "can't you just" option in losing weight. Especially with someone who is a food addict/emotional eater. It takes time. It isn't laziness, it isn't stubbornness and it sure as hell isn't that they like being overweight... It is hard and takes time. It is a habit to break, emotions that one needs to face and the confidence in knowing that you can do it.
That is my message... and I hope it is a good one.
All I need to do is look at this picture and realize... I am not doing so bad. I also vow, I will never go back to this.
A few weeks ago, my appendix decided to throw a fit and needed to be evicted. Not something I was expecting. (which no one is!) The surgery went well though and I am on the mend. However, what these means is that I have needed to time to heal and have not been able to workout or run as I was before.
I felt like I was just starting to get back into running on a regular basis, right before this surgery. Now it has been about 3 weeks since the surgery and have been able to go on walks a couple times a week, but that has been about it. I have one more week of weight restrictions and then I am able to slowly get back to it. This is the longest I have gone w/o working out. It has been maddening to say the least!
I have been trying so hard to keep my calories under control. I have not been perfect, but have been using my loseit app and been counting calories. I haven't gained weight as I thought I would, since I was not active, but I haven't lost any of it either. If you have read my previous posts, you know I am not happy where I am at today w/ my weight. On one end I should be happy though, that I haven't gained a bunch of weight, but on the other end I am just stuck where I have always been stuck. It is frustrating.
Tomorrow I am going to go to the gym for the first time in a few weeks. My plan is to hop on the elliptical and hopefully get a decent workout in. I am hoping it won't be as jarring as running would be at the moment. Unfortunately w/ the excess skin/fat and the motions of running, it is not ideal for the incisions that are still a little tender. (TMI I know! lol) I am trying to not push too hard, but I need to do something. It just feels like starting over. I am not going to be where I was physically before... so it is going to be a lot of hard work once again. Well, it is always hard work, it is just going to be harder not just physically but mentally.
On another note...
I was asked once again to be a guest speaker for my friends college class. I will be sharing my weight loss journey and I am honored to be asked. I am nervous though. To be perfectly honest, I feel like a fraud right now. I have not been losing weight consistently, I have had my bad days with food... it is just hard to look back and see how far off I am right now. HOWEVER, this is so good for me. I need this. I need to look back and tell my story not just so others understand where some people are coming from as far as weight struggles, but also to remind myself that I am no where near where I started and that... I am doing okay.
The biggest message that I want to give to others while sharing my story...
Never say "can't you just" to someone. Can't you just- stop eating. Can't you just get off your butt. Can't you just.... NO! There is not a "can't you just" option in losing weight. Especially with someone who is a food addict/emotional eater. It takes time. It isn't laziness, it isn't stubbornness and it sure as hell isn't that they like being overweight... It is hard and takes time. It is a habit to break, emotions that one needs to face and the confidence in knowing that you can do it.
That is my message... and I hope it is a good one.
All I need to do is look at this picture and realize... I am not doing so bad. I also vow, I will never go back to this.
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