Not myself, but trying...

This will be a short post. This is more of a confession and promise, than a real post...


Confession- I have gained over 10 lbs. back
Promise- I will take those 10 lbs and the last of it off... this time I will succeed.




There will be ups and downs. This journey isn't for the faint of heart. There is disappointing times, hard times and down right impossible times. However, it is what you learn from it, that matters.


Grow with the struggles...






I will be back. :)

Telling My Story and The Bag That Was Packed for 3 weeks

Today was a good day. No, not just a good day... a GREAT day. I always say it is the little things in life that can make you happy... well I had a small victory day. Boy has it been a while!

I started my day with being a guest speaker at UW-L. My friend teaches there and asked me once again to speak with her class. I am so honored that she thinks of me. A student asked her a question last year... What was the biggest transformation she personally witnessed. I am the first person she thought of!

This is the second time I have done this and I was still nervous. I worry about rambling or getting lost in what I want to say. It helps to have a power point of pictures and an outline... but really I just talk and tell my story. Tell them why I started and how I started. Tell them about the time I literally cried over eating french fries or how excited I was to be like everyone else and try on a bridesmaid dress. Or the time I signed up for one of the hardest 5k runs in the area (yeah, I still remember that!). (I got a few chuckles)

What means the most to me is that I am getting my story out, which is similar to many others. Giving others an insight on how hard it is to lose weight and break eating habits that have been going on for years and years... it is priceless. Having just one person understand or even be inspired by the story, is enough for me.

Going to speak to this class also means a lot to me personally. It helps me stay motivated and reminds me to look back. I need to look back at that unhappy person and remind myself I am never going to be in that place mentally or physically again. It helps me keep moving forward and not give up. This has been a really hard time of not working out and not losing weight. I have a new spark that I am excited about though. A spark that will keep me positive and moving forward. That is what speaking about my journey does for me.

The Bag That Was Packed for 3 Weeks...

Has been finally taken out and about! Yes, that gym bag that I had packed right before the appendix had to come out, was taken to the gym today. I was able to do 30 minutes on the elliptical. Not as easy as it used to be, but I got through it. 3 weeks off is no joke my friends!

I am excited to be doing this much and am planning on slowly building on to it. Starting from scratch, but feels oh so good!

Small victory for the day.

Starting From Scratch...

I need to start from square one. Here is the reason why...

A few weeks ago, my appendix decided to throw a fit and needed to be evicted. Not something I was expecting. (which no one is!) The surgery went well though and I am on the mend. However, what these means is that I have needed to time to heal and have not been able to workout or run as I was before.

I felt like I was just starting to get back into running on a regular basis, right before this surgery. Now it has been about 3 weeks since the surgery and have been able to go on walks a couple times a week, but that has been about it. I have one more week of weight restrictions and then I am able to slowly get back to it. This is the longest I have gone w/o working out. It has been maddening to say the least!

I have been trying so hard to keep my calories under control. I have not been perfect, but have been using my loseit app and been counting calories. I haven't gained weight as I thought I would, since I was not active, but I haven't lost any of it either. If you have read my previous posts, you know I am not happy where I am at today w/ my weight. On one end I should be happy though, that I haven't gained a bunch of weight, but on the other end I am just stuck where I have always been stuck. It is frustrating.

Tomorrow I am going to go to the gym for the first time in a few weeks. My plan is to hop on the elliptical and hopefully get a decent workout in. I am hoping it won't be as jarring as running would be at the moment. Unfortunately w/ the excess skin/fat and the motions of running, it is not ideal for the incisions that are still a little tender. (TMI I know! lol) I am trying to not push too hard, but I need to do something. It just feels like starting over. I am not going to be where I was physically before... so it is going to be a lot of hard work once again. Well, it is always hard work, it is just going to be harder not just physically but mentally.

On another note...

I was asked once again to be a guest speaker for my friends college class. I will be sharing my weight loss journey and I am honored to be asked. I am nervous though. To be perfectly honest, I feel like a fraud right now. I have not been losing weight consistently, I have had my bad days with food... it is just hard to look back and see how far off I am right now. HOWEVER, this is so good for me. I need this. I need to look back and tell my story not just so others understand where some people are coming from as far as weight struggles, but also to remind myself that I am no where near where I started and that... I am doing okay.

The biggest message that I want to give to others while sharing my story...

Never say "can't you just" to someone. Can't you just- stop eating. Can't you just get off your butt. Can't you just....   NO! There is not a "can't you just" option in losing weight. Especially with someone who is a food addict/emotional eater. It takes time. It isn't laziness, it isn't stubbornness and it sure as hell isn't that they like being overweight... It is hard and takes time. It is a habit to break, emotions that one needs to face and the confidence in knowing that you can do it.

That is my message... and I hope it is a good one.

All I need to do is look at this picture and realize... I am not doing so bad. I also vow, I will never go back to this.

3 years later... I come back.

It has been 3 whole years since my first 5k run. I find myself sitting in the same spot, writing a blog post as I did that year. I still remember all the emotions running through my head that night. The excitement, the nerves and worry of not being able to finish the run. None of that even compared to all of the emotions that I felt crossing my first finish line. 23 runs later... I still have that feeling of amazement.


I can't believe I am doing this crazy run again. The hills alone are intimidating! I do remember my friends telling me afterwards that I chose one of the hardest 5k courses to start with... but they were afraid to tell me that bc I might back out... the were correct! I did feel like quite the bad ass after finishing this run though! Feeling like that bad ass is what made me decide after that run... to run a half marathon. Glad  I found one of my best friends to go along with that wild idea!


This has been one of the craziest journeys I have ever been on... I am a runner. 4 years ago I would have never thought I would be where I am. I never had the idea to go as far as I have and I honestly never would have started w/o 2 friends that invited me over for dinner and told me this crazy thing... I could run and not just run... but run a 5k. They gave me a book that changed my life. I can never ever thank them enough for pointing me in this direction. It is a part of me now.


I got myself started and I kept myself going, with a lot of support and advice from friends. The amazing group I run with and all of the runs that my family and friends have been at, I can't imagine this journey w/o them. They put up w/ my doubt, my complaints and the excitement over the little things. Little things that were big things for the woman that I used to be. I know many remember me texting or calling when I had run 2 blocks w/o having to stop and I still remember the first time I ran a full lap around the track. Mile after mile that I achieved, made me love it even more. I starting my goal at a block and turned it into completing 3 half marathons.


So much has changed in the last 3 years. Not just my physical appearance, but the outlook of my weight loss journey. I am a more positive person and have changed for the better. However, I am not at my goal weight or where I had imagined I would be. I am struggling. Struggling to keep on track, struggling to be okay w/ not losing weight regularly and struggling w/ being happy w/ my appearance. However, I am still 1,000 miles from where I was 5 years ago... overweight and hiding from the world. I take comfort in that. 


I am so excited to run tomorrow. I know it won't be pretty, but I plan on having fun. I have learned that over the last 3 years... doesn't have to be perfect, it's all about the fun. Even though I won't have my usual group or the amazing cheering section... it is just me and my run and nothing can keep me from it.


I have so many people to thank for helping me become the person I am today. I have no words that will ever be enough to say how grateful I am. You have kept me going when I thought I couldn't take one more step. Just thinking about that alone... makes me hold my head up high and move forward. Move forward with becoming a better person and not being ashamed of who I used to be.


Best of luck to all the runners that will be running this weekend! First run or 100th run, I am proud of everyone that steps out there, doing what they love.

6 Weeks in and Some Things Don't Always Go As You Plan...

No matter how much you think and plan on how it will go.


I know it has been quite a while since I have posted. Summer is always busy for everyone! Hard to find a "lazy summer day" anymore.


I have been going to that new gym for about 7 weeks or so. (I week was free) I have 2 weeks left yet of the 8 week cycle. It has been an adventure! I have had a love and dislike of the classes on and off. (loving it more than not!)


First off... I have NEVER gone this long w/o running, in 3 years. It has been hard and I may have whined... a lot (Sorry to my boyfriend and Chanel!) I did squeeze in a run or two though and even up and ran the Firecracker 4 mile run!


The first week was flat out insane. I could barely stand when I got out of a chair. Slowly it got easier though and I have learned so much. The only equipment is kettle bells, boxes and a few other randoms that you find in a regular gym. Every work out has been different. That kept me interested. I never knew what I was doing on a Monday, however my favorite work out was always on Wednesdays... KICKBOXING! So much fun!


All in all I have lost about 6 lbs. since starting. Not a whole lot and not the amount that I still have to lose to get to my lowest, but it is a start. I know I have built muscle and improved my balance. I feel better and feel I have stepped it up every week. (double kick on the bag, ow! ow!)


SO! 2 weeks left and I think I am going to pass on the membership at this time. It is about to be prime season to run (for me lol) and already have the membership still at the gym where I work. I do not regret signing up for the 8 weeks at all. Like I said, I learned so much. I encourage everyone to try something they haven't! You may not like it, continue to do it or even hate it... but you are trying and you may learn something that you can take with you to the next adventure.


Great expectations don't always pan out in reality...

I also just had my 10 year class reunion. I know! I can't believe it was already here and gone. I have honestly dreamt about this day, probably since I have graduated. I promised myself I was going to come back and wow everyone. I am going to lose weight and not be the "fat girl" that I was.


Well I did it. I came back and am over 100 lbs. less than I was when I graduated. I was nervous. More than I care to admit. However, the love of my life was by my side and my bestie and bestie in-law were there. (never get enough face time with them!) It was a fun night of visiting with old friends and having a few drinks (lots of drinks oy!)

So my question... Why do I feel so empty? This was supposed to be the "perfect" night. I am not even close to the person I was before and met the "goal" that I set. So why can't I shake this sense of sadness? I set my expectation of how everything would go, so high... there was no way to meet it.


I have also looked forward to it so long, I can't believe it is over. Always in the back of mind through the years was... "gotta do it for the 10 year class reunion." and "just wait until I walk in". I know, sounds a little conceded! Just being  honest.

I sit here tonight and think: I made the mistake many in my shoes make... thinking the weight loss will make me happy, the night perfect and everything okay. There will be no more insecurities, no more self doubt and no more "fat shaming" yourself.

I know better: These things don't go away. They get quieter and come less often... but they are still there. Just because the night wasn't all that I built it up to be, doesn't mean it wasn't an awesome night of fun with old classmates and friends. I need to and will be happy with that.


Positivity will get you everywhere. That I guess is where I need to go with this. Sure I am feeling lost and unsure about what is next (less so since typing this), but those thoughts won't be there for long. This journey has it's ups and downs, but if you don't keep that positivity and continue setting those goals, you will never make it. Harsh, but true.


This blog has helped me really analyze some of the thoughts and feelings that I have had through this journey. I doubt myself less and don't bottle everything inside as much.It has helped me in more than a few ways and I hope that someone out there can relate and know... there are people who are there and who understand the issues.


I may over share sometimes, but really... I need to be honest. Honest to myself and honest to anyone out there that may want to or has already started this journey.


Keep your head up my friends!

It Is Hard to Ask For Help...

I changed my lifestyle on my own. I pushed myself and figured everything out for myself. Of course I had the support and advice from friends and family, but ultimately it was me. No trainer, no nutrition counseling and no doctors... just me, myself and I. I never could afford the big gyms, personal trainers and nutrition counseling when I started. Everyone has their own journey... this is how mine has been for 4 years.


I have been trying to figure out how to change things up since I haven't been losing weight for a while. My old faithfuls are not working for me right now and ultimately it leaves me very frustrated.


I have done a lot in the past few years. I ran 3 half marathons, did countless runs and even tried and obstacle course. I love running. It is a passion of mine. It just isn't enough to lose this last 50 lbs. I know my runs would be a whole lot better if I could get to that goal weight. The fact that it is summer now and the heat is here, it makes keeping up the running that much harder.


So between the heat and the fact that I am at a loss of what to do next... I am asking for help. I have decided to join a gym that you go through 8 weeks of different types of fitness classes and nutrition counseling before doing the membership. It is pricey, which when I first started this journey... would have made it impossible for me to do, but I am at a place right now where I can swing the price. I think it is a great option at this time. It is just going to be incredibly difficult to focus on the classes and only running a day or two a week.


They have a different class every day. The first one I am taking: Kickboxing :) SUPER excited for that one. I don't have a clue what they do as far as nutrition counseling, will update you on that once I go through it. I already know what I need to do for nutrition as far as that goes. What I am hoping to learn is the right nutrition for physical fitness. Again, I think that will help my running game with learning more about what to eat and when to eat to keep my energy up.


Confession time: I feel like I am admitting defeat by doing this. I have always been able to figure out how to continue on this journey, but at this point I am at a loss. I am not getting results I should be getting from my workouts and diet. The motivation is there when I am on my own, just not where it was when I first started. I know I need this class to light a fire under my butt... I just feel like I failed some how.


I know that is totally crazy, but I have been putting this off for a while because of these feelings. I have gotten too comfortable in thinking "I know what I am doing". I did  lose 130 lbs. on my own... but that next level needs to be started to lose the rest and I just don't have it in me to do it on my own.


I hope I will love this class. I do have some nerves with this as I am usually solo in my workouts. That self consciousness that I have had in the past is slowly creeping in. I have done fitness classes on a small scale... this is something completely new. As long as it isn't gym class all over again, I should be alright. Thank goodness I already have a good friend that attends!


Here is to new adventures and hopefully being successful in losing the rest of this weight.

Favorite Show... Brings Lots of Thoughts

Today is the first episode of the new season of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. I absolutely love this show and have yet to miss an episode. I have watched it from day one... when I was well into struggling through my own. I can relate to every one of the stories and I cry at the end of every single episode. I am just so happy for them and happy for anyone that can turn their life around and get healthy.

I sit here watching this show and itch to lose the rest of this weight. I didn't lose 130 lbs. in 365 days, but I am making it on my own. I have nothing to be ashamed of. The mood that I am in now is the frustration over wanting the rest of this weight gone. I want to be with the rest of them... the ones that met their large goals. I know, I know... I shouldn't be comparing my journey to anyone else's... can't seem to help myself. (Ha! Beat you to it lol)

Maintaining is a huge thing. I have done that, for a while now. I have talked endlessly how I "just need to get over this plateau". I am just as tired of saying it, as you guys are of reading it. I haven't thrown in the towel, which a lot of people do once they get stuck. This is a lifestyle... not a fad. So no more plateau talk... it is about finishing it.

I'm cautious about my portions, but know I could be more diligent in making sure I am not over eating. I am not majorly training for any runs right now and need to find that happy medium for nutrition and fitness. Just trucking along until I get there... I will get there. I choose to be healthy and not get so frustrated that I give up. That isn't me... not anymore.

My new little trick that I learned from a friend is... Every time I go to the restroom, I do 10 squats. I drink a lot of water all day long, so let me tell you... they add up!! I love the idea of this and am hoping to get into a habit of it. I am guilty of forgetting sometimes, but that just means I have to do 20 the next time. Hopefully there is not a line for the bathroom!

It is just one more little change that will hopefully get me to where I want/need to be.

Anyone else willing to add a few more squats into their life?

Quick story- I went on a Segway tour of La Crosse last week. While reading the paper work, I saw that there was a weight limit of 280... I would NEVER have been able to do this at my previous weight. 1 thy shyness... and 2... I was too heavy. The weird thing is, I felt a moment of panic when reading that. I then had to remember that I am 100 lbs. lighter than the weight limit... The weight can hold a person back from doing more than on realizes.