3 years later... I come back.

It has been 3 whole years since my first 5k run. I find myself sitting in the same spot, writing a blog post as I did that year. I still remember all the emotions running through my head that night. The excitement, the nerves and worry of not being able to finish the run. None of that even compared to all of the emotions that I felt crossing my first finish line. 23 runs later... I still have that feeling of amazement.


I can't believe I am doing this crazy run again. The hills alone are intimidating! I do remember my friends telling me afterwards that I chose one of the hardest 5k courses to start with... but they were afraid to tell me that bc I might back out... the were correct! I did feel like quite the bad ass after finishing this run though! Feeling like that bad ass is what made me decide after that run... to run a half marathon. Glad  I found one of my best friends to go along with that wild idea!


This has been one of the craziest journeys I have ever been on... I am a runner. 4 years ago I would have never thought I would be where I am. I never had the idea to go as far as I have and I honestly never would have started w/o 2 friends that invited me over for dinner and told me this crazy thing... I could run and not just run... but run a 5k. They gave me a book that changed my life. I can never ever thank them enough for pointing me in this direction. It is a part of me now.


I got myself started and I kept myself going, with a lot of support and advice from friends. The amazing group I run with and all of the runs that my family and friends have been at, I can't imagine this journey w/o them. They put up w/ my doubt, my complaints and the excitement over the little things. Little things that were big things for the woman that I used to be. I know many remember me texting or calling when I had run 2 blocks w/o having to stop and I still remember the first time I ran a full lap around the track. Mile after mile that I achieved, made me love it even more. I starting my goal at a block and turned it into completing 3 half marathons.


So much has changed in the last 3 years. Not just my physical appearance, but the outlook of my weight loss journey. I am a more positive person and have changed for the better. However, I am not at my goal weight or where I had imagined I would be. I am struggling. Struggling to keep on track, struggling to be okay w/ not losing weight regularly and struggling w/ being happy w/ my appearance. However, I am still 1,000 miles from where I was 5 years ago... overweight and hiding from the world. I take comfort in that. 


I am so excited to run tomorrow. I know it won't be pretty, but I plan on having fun. I have learned that over the last 3 years... doesn't have to be perfect, it's all about the fun. Even though I won't have my usual group or the amazing cheering section... it is just me and my run and nothing can keep me from it.


I have so many people to thank for helping me become the person I am today. I have no words that will ever be enough to say how grateful I am. You have kept me going when I thought I couldn't take one more step. Just thinking about that alone... makes me hold my head up high and move forward. Move forward with becoming a better person and not being ashamed of who I used to be.


Best of luck to all the runners that will be running this weekend! First run or 100th run, I am proud of everyone that steps out there, doing what they love.

6 Weeks in and Some Things Don't Always Go As You Plan...

No matter how much you think and plan on how it will go.


I know it has been quite a while since I have posted. Summer is always busy for everyone! Hard to find a "lazy summer day" anymore.


I have been going to that new gym for about 7 weeks or so. (I week was free) I have 2 weeks left yet of the 8 week cycle. It has been an adventure! I have had a love and dislike of the classes on and off. (loving it more than not!)


First off... I have NEVER gone this long w/o running, in 3 years. It has been hard and I may have whined... a lot (Sorry to my boyfriend and Chanel!) I did squeeze in a run or two though and even up and ran the Firecracker 4 mile run!


The first week was flat out insane. I could barely stand when I got out of a chair. Slowly it got easier though and I have learned so much. The only equipment is kettle bells, boxes and a few other randoms that you find in a regular gym. Every work out has been different. That kept me interested. I never knew what I was doing on a Monday, however my favorite work out was always on Wednesdays... KICKBOXING! So much fun!


All in all I have lost about 6 lbs. since starting. Not a whole lot and not the amount that I still have to lose to get to my lowest, but it is a start. I know I have built muscle and improved my balance. I feel better and feel I have stepped it up every week. (double kick on the bag, ow! ow!)


SO! 2 weeks left and I think I am going to pass on the membership at this time. It is about to be prime season to run (for me lol) and already have the membership still at the gym where I work. I do not regret signing up for the 8 weeks at all. Like I said, I learned so much. I encourage everyone to try something they haven't! You may not like it, continue to do it or even hate it... but you are trying and you may learn something that you can take with you to the next adventure.


Great expectations don't always pan out in reality...

I also just had my 10 year class reunion. I know! I can't believe it was already here and gone. I have honestly dreamt about this day, probably since I have graduated. I promised myself I was going to come back and wow everyone. I am going to lose weight and not be the "fat girl" that I was.


Well I did it. I came back and am over 100 lbs. less than I was when I graduated. I was nervous. More than I care to admit. However, the love of my life was by my side and my bestie and bestie in-law were there. (never get enough face time with them!) It was a fun night of visiting with old friends and having a few drinks (lots of drinks oy!)

So my question... Why do I feel so empty? This was supposed to be the "perfect" night. I am not even close to the person I was before and met the "goal" that I set. So why can't I shake this sense of sadness? I set my expectation of how everything would go, so high... there was no way to meet it.


I have also looked forward to it so long, I can't believe it is over. Always in the back of mind through the years was... "gotta do it for the 10 year class reunion." and "just wait until I walk in". I know, sounds a little conceded! Just being  honest.

I sit here tonight and think: I made the mistake many in my shoes make... thinking the weight loss will make me happy, the night perfect and everything okay. There will be no more insecurities, no more self doubt and no more "fat shaming" yourself.

I know better: These things don't go away. They get quieter and come less often... but they are still there. Just because the night wasn't all that I built it up to be, doesn't mean it wasn't an awesome night of fun with old classmates and friends. I need to and will be happy with that.


Positivity will get you everywhere. That I guess is where I need to go with this. Sure I am feeling lost and unsure about what is next (less so since typing this), but those thoughts won't be there for long. This journey has it's ups and downs, but if you don't keep that positivity and continue setting those goals, you will never make it. Harsh, but true.


This blog has helped me really analyze some of the thoughts and feelings that I have had through this journey. I doubt myself less and don't bottle everything inside as much.It has helped me in more than a few ways and I hope that someone out there can relate and know... there are people who are there and who understand the issues.


I may over share sometimes, but really... I need to be honest. Honest to myself and honest to anyone out there that may want to or has already started this journey.


Keep your head up my friends!

It Is Hard to Ask For Help...

I changed my lifestyle on my own. I pushed myself and figured everything out for myself. Of course I had the support and advice from friends and family, but ultimately it was me. No trainer, no nutrition counseling and no doctors... just me, myself and I. I never could afford the big gyms, personal trainers and nutrition counseling when I started. Everyone has their own journey... this is how mine has been for 4 years.


I have been trying to figure out how to change things up since I haven't been losing weight for a while. My old faithfuls are not working for me right now and ultimately it leaves me very frustrated.


I have done a lot in the past few years. I ran 3 half marathons, did countless runs and even tried and obstacle course. I love running. It is a passion of mine. It just isn't enough to lose this last 50 lbs. I know my runs would be a whole lot better if I could get to that goal weight. The fact that it is summer now and the heat is here, it makes keeping up the running that much harder.


So between the heat and the fact that I am at a loss of what to do next... I am asking for help. I have decided to join a gym that you go through 8 weeks of different types of fitness classes and nutrition counseling before doing the membership. It is pricey, which when I first started this journey... would have made it impossible for me to do, but I am at a place right now where I can swing the price. I think it is a great option at this time. It is just going to be incredibly difficult to focus on the classes and only running a day or two a week.


They have a different class every day. The first one I am taking: Kickboxing :) SUPER excited for that one. I don't have a clue what they do as far as nutrition counseling, will update you on that once I go through it. I already know what I need to do for nutrition as far as that goes. What I am hoping to learn is the right nutrition for physical fitness. Again, I think that will help my running game with learning more about what to eat and when to eat to keep my energy up.


Confession time: I feel like I am admitting defeat by doing this. I have always been able to figure out how to continue on this journey, but at this point I am at a loss. I am not getting results I should be getting from my workouts and diet. The motivation is there when I am on my own, just not where it was when I first started. I know I need this class to light a fire under my butt... I just feel like I failed some how.


I know that is totally crazy, but I have been putting this off for a while because of these feelings. I have gotten too comfortable in thinking "I know what I am doing". I did  lose 130 lbs. on my own... but that next level needs to be started to lose the rest and I just don't have it in me to do it on my own.


I hope I will love this class. I do have some nerves with this as I am usually solo in my workouts. That self consciousness that I have had in the past is slowly creeping in. I have done fitness classes on a small scale... this is something completely new. As long as it isn't gym class all over again, I should be alright. Thank goodness I already have a good friend that attends!


Here is to new adventures and hopefully being successful in losing the rest of this weight.

Favorite Show... Brings Lots of Thoughts

Today is the first episode of the new season of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. I absolutely love this show and have yet to miss an episode. I have watched it from day one... when I was well into struggling through my own. I can relate to every one of the stories and I cry at the end of every single episode. I am just so happy for them and happy for anyone that can turn their life around and get healthy.

I sit here watching this show and itch to lose the rest of this weight. I didn't lose 130 lbs. in 365 days, but I am making it on my own. I have nothing to be ashamed of. The mood that I am in now is the frustration over wanting the rest of this weight gone. I want to be with the rest of them... the ones that met their large goals. I know, I know... I shouldn't be comparing my journey to anyone else's... can't seem to help myself. (Ha! Beat you to it lol)

Maintaining is a huge thing. I have done that, for a while now. I have talked endlessly how I "just need to get over this plateau". I am just as tired of saying it, as you guys are of reading it. I haven't thrown in the towel, which a lot of people do once they get stuck. This is a lifestyle... not a fad. So no more plateau talk... it is about finishing it.

I'm cautious about my portions, but know I could be more diligent in making sure I am not over eating. I am not majorly training for any runs right now and need to find that happy medium for nutrition and fitness. Just trucking along until I get there... I will get there. I choose to be healthy and not get so frustrated that I give up. That isn't me... not anymore.

My new little trick that I learned from a friend is... Every time I go to the restroom, I do 10 squats. I drink a lot of water all day long, so let me tell you... they add up!! I love the idea of this and am hoping to get into a habit of it. I am guilty of forgetting sometimes, but that just means I have to do 20 the next time. Hopefully there is not a line for the bathroom!

It is just one more little change that will hopefully get me to where I want/need to be.

Anyone else willing to add a few more squats into their life?

Quick story- I went on a Segway tour of La Crosse last week. While reading the paper work, I saw that there was a weight limit of 280... I would NEVER have been able to do this at my previous weight. 1 thy shyness... and 2... I was too heavy. The weird thing is, I felt a moment of panic when reading that. I then had to remember that I am 100 lbs. lighter than the weight limit... The weight can hold a person back from doing more than on realizes.

Let's Catch Up.

I haven't posted much this year and my plan is to change that!


Honesty time... I am where I was the last time I posted. No lbs. lost, but maintaining. I have to remind myself almost daily that that is OKAY.


I have been trying to find some way to jump start the weight loss train again... In saying that, let me tell you what I did last month.


This last month, I tried shaking things up by doing a little intermediate fasting. I know, I know. I am ALL about "if you can't do it for the rest of your life, you shouldn't be doing it now.". I still am, don't get me wrong! However, I was intrigued by a documentary that I watched and decided to do a little research. After reading a BUNCH of articles and blogs, I decided to give it a try for a few weeks to see where it got me.


I did 2 days of 500 calories and  5 days of my regular 1300-1500 calories. Let me just say... it wasn't easy the first day! I didn't have any coffee... CRAZY! So after that I made sure to factor in some calories for my morning deliciousness.


 I split my day to 200 calories during the day and a 300 calorie meal at night. I found a TON of recipes for 300 cal per serving. I now have a few more favorites for the recipe box. Anywho... I did this for about 4 weeks. First week I lost almost 5 lbs. right off the bat. The following weeks... not so much. HOWEVER- it was totally about losing weight for me. I wanted to surprise my body and say "WAKE THE HELL UP". Almost every article you read about losing weight, it states to shake things up a bit. Your body gets used to your daily routine. So that is what I did... in a big way.


Another thing I learned during the 4 weeks was that my portions were still at the point from when I was training for the half. I was training yes, but only for 6.5. I needed a wake up call to get me back into check for portions.


So! I am done with the fasting. Overall- It was good. Something I could do forever? Nope. Something I may use again? Never say Never.


This is my first week back to regular calories every day. I am interested in seeing how things shake out for the rest of the week!


This journey is NEVER boring.

Not JUST a Relay...

This next Saturday is the 3rd year that I have done the Granddads Bluff half marathon/relay. This year I am doing the relay and not doing the half marathon.








 I am making myself stop saying "I am JUST doing the relay". I have been having an interesting time of things with not participating in the half marathon. I KNOW I needed a break with doing 2 last year... but I still have a pinch. A pinch of feeling left out of all the fun. However, 6.5 miles is nothing to be ashamed of! I get to start with my friends and be there cheering the loudest at the finish line!








My friends and family are going to be there to support again! They have turned it into a party and I feel I will never be allowed NOT to do this run. Which I am totally fine with! It is such a fun day with everyone and there was no hesitation for my boyfriend (that travels so much) to be here for it. (Love him!) I have a soft spot for this run. It was the run where I feel I really came out as a runner... my first half marathon! It is the same with the Applefest 5k... first 5k ever. The memories are there.








I am ready for this run. More ready than I have felt for most of them. If I can just get over the whole "I am lazy for not doing the half marathon", it will be a fun time. With this weight loss journey I have been on, control is needed. A perfectionist, control freak... whatever you want to call it, I have needed to push myself. I know I can do a half marathon and have proved it 3 times. I have NOTHING to prove, so why do I feel all weird for not doing it?

Once An Emotional Eater... Always?

I. Am. An. Emotional. Eater.


There... I said it, admitted it and have owned it. I know there are many out there like me. I once felt the shame, but now have accepted it. I associate food with happiness, sadness, frustration and even boredom. I always thought it would be something that I could over come. If I had enough willpower, I would get to a point where I wouldn't have those urges... okay, so I am not always right.


For the most part, I can override the habit of literally feeding my emotions. I can workout, run, shop (not the best either! lol) and find something, ANYTHING to not eat bc of my mood. Once I realized that I could  distract myself enough to not indulge, I was pretty amazed. I don't always get past it though, I have miss steps, but at the end of the day, the thing we must focus on is... I am making better choices than I used to.


The reason why I have brought this subject up, is the fact that I have had some interesting things going on lately. Some new, potentially exciting things and a little loneliness. It has made it difficult to not stuff the emotions with food. I have been letting those rollercoaster feelings run my decisions of what to eat and when to eat the past few weekends. I have caved, I have worked out... I have caved some more and shopped a lot. I am human. No one can expect a 100% on point healthy lifestyle. If you are... you are going to set yourself up for failure. I have survived my emotional eating and so will every emotional eater out there, that wants to. That is the  main point.


You have to want to get yourself past it. Hiding the emotions behind frozen yogurt and gummy bears (my food of choice this time around!) doesn't help anyone and sure as hell doesn't make you feel better after eating them. If you get that 90% of the time... you are golden.


I shall take my 10% failure of the past few weeks and try to learn from them. Not saying I will never again allow my emotions to dictate what/when I eat... but I will try my damnedest to make it as infrequent as possible




Don't strive to be perfect, no one is. Strive to be better than you were yesterday.