I Am Not Cut Out For This...

I am declaring it now... This WILL be my last half marathon for a while. I need a break from the training and give my body a rest from running miles and miles. I got sick again tonight about mile 6. Barely ran 8 miles in 2 hours... I am in big trouble for next weekend. I am in the mind set now... I just want to run to come so I can get it over with. It can make running not fun for me and I don't want that! It is my stress reliever and shouldn't be causing me more stress.


I am not cut out to continuously run distance. My stomach is the main concern. I should not be used to throwing up after ever distance run. That isn't fun! I will be happy with 3-5 miles. That is plenty for my short little legs!


Okay, that was my big announcement. :)


I am hoping to start posting more. I was having a pity party for one since I was struggling with the weight loss. I had gained from the vacation and was getting super frustrated. As a good friend reminded me over the weekend... I still can post about that stuff! Everyone can relate to the struggle... so I apologize for being so lazy!








I promise to keep my head up :)




FUN FACT: I have now run OVER 700 miles (since I started counting with MapMyRun) That is CRAZY! Never would have thought I would be running, let alone this many miles!

Wait, what? I don't look gorgeous when I run??

Guess what?! I don't look perfect when running.

 Seems like a legit statement right? I had someone tell me how she always sees me running. In fact she saw me running last week... apparently I "always" look like I am  struggling and/or "about to die". Why thank you for pointing that out! :) I had then asked where she had seen me... figured out I was about 5 miles into my run around that time.
      **Side note: Whoever looks amazing after running 5 miles... PLEASE share your secret, cause I know I am a hot mess by this point!


Points of my story-

1. If you look gorgeous after a run... you weren't pushing hard enough.

2. I have a rule: No looking at your reflection while running. I prefer not to see what everyone else is!

 3. There are few moments in my life where I feel truly beautiful. One of those moments may surprise some.... it is when I get done with a run <3 Hot, tired, seat, stinky... gorgeous. I feel accomplished and not going to lie... a little bad ass.


So thank you lady for pointing that out :) Let's me know I have been working my ass off.

A Little Inspiration and a CHALLENGE to all

 I am not your average looking runner. I run my 5'1" (rounding up) 180 lb. body for miles. It is a struggle. However, I am out there doing it. Good run, bad run... doesn't matter.

The other night...

  I was about a mile in and running across an intersection. A man rolls down his window and shouts "You got this! Looking great!". Needless to say, I got a little pep in my step.

 About 4 miles in I was ...struggling a bit, but still going. I was running past this man that stepped to the side and said "You are doing great, girl. Keep going!". 

 About 10 minutes of being done w/ my run, I hear this shout from behind. I kept running, but I heard the shout again. I turned around and there was a man waving me over. I thought he needed directions. Nope. He wanted to tell me how awesome it was to see someone out there working hard. He used to be a runner and said he wouldn't have been able to be out here running like I was. He encouraged me to keep going and said how I much I inspired him.

 I have had a few people cheer me on when I am out and about running. Never anything like this, though. I can't tell you how touched I am, that total strangers stopped to encourage me to keep going... to keep running. It helped so much and I thank them for their motivation. I will think of this night every single time I don't feel like going for a run.

So my challenge to my friends and family: When you see a runner or anyone working out for that matter... doesn't matter what size they are, cheer them on. If they look like they are struggling, let them know they can do it. That small act of kindness can inspire anyone to go far. I personally(previously secretly) hope to motivate people when they see me out running. I don't look like your typical runner... but hey, I like to sparkle once in a while.

— feeling loved. See More

Going to My Happy Place...

   I felt like I was floundering. I had no direction and am stuck in a plateau that has felt endless. I tried making myself do things I didn't want to do. Cutting calories way back, getting up in the morning to run and really still getting no where. If it doesn't make me happy... I don't want to make myself do it.

That is what has gotten me this far, I don't know why I thought I could change that. Of course this journey hasn't been easy, but I learned very quickly that making myself do something, doesn't create the life long habit that I want.

So! I am back to doing what I do best... having fun. I am doing the workouts that are fun for me and back to counting those good old calories. I admit it, I got cocky. I thought I knew what I was about and could just eye-ball all the food I was eating. NOPE. I was wrong. Getting too comfortable with the routine, gives room for errors.

I also had a fantastic run tonight. I thought it was supposed to rain, so I brought my gym clothes. When I was heading out of work, it was still sunny and 70... a run? YES PLEASE. I felt so happy getting out there in the decent weather. I can't stand the humid heat when I run and can barely crank out 3 miles... if that. Tonight I was past 4 miles and felt amazing. Even had a better pace than I had been running. Running shoes and pavement... that my friends... is my happy place.

Message I want others to get out of this post: Do what makes you happy. If you dread it, you won't make a life time commitment out of it.

**Still holding at 130 lbs. lost. Still trying to find that magic spark to get the last 50 lbs. or so off. I will get there though. No doubt about that.

Making Something Out of Nothing

I over think. I don't mean I over think a little, I mean I over think A LOT.

Over thinking can help greatly with living a healthy lifestyle. You have to over think your workout plans, meal plans and what happens if you make a mistake. Going out to eat alone is at least a good 20 minutes of over thinking for me. It is all in the plan and  how to get yourself to move forward on your journey.

Then there is the over thinking that can hinder your progress. Lately it has been innocent comments from others that I have been over thinking. I have been over sensitive about my decisions lately in regards to my food choices or workouts. I got food the other week from a place I hadn't in a few years. I told someone about it and all they said was... "You have went years w/o going there.". Pretty simple statement, but the guilt was huge. I take pride in the fact I haven't been to certain places (mainly fast food joints) in years. That feeling of sliding back into bad habits came with a jolt.

The other comment I got, was about me taking a morning off from working out. I have been pretty open about not being a morning person, but still wanting to get up and run. I got a run in on Thursday morning, it sucked, but I did it. The next day someone asked if I ran that morning. When I said no (it is usually my rest day). I got an "Oh Holly" (which I hate when people say that!) "You were supposed to run 2 days in a row!". I felt the guilt instantly as if I was slapped with it.

I know the people making the comments have absolutely no clue what it triggers in me. I over think anyways, so this is just part of that. However, I have this guilt and worry sitting in the pit of my stomach lately that I just can't get rid of. Maybe it is because I haven't lost any weight recently, maybe it is because I haven't picked out my next goal... or maybe it is that I am getting a little too comfortable about eating and my workouts. Whatever it is, I need to shake it off.

Feeling the worry and guilt doesn't solve anything. I need to focus my over thinking on the positives and how I am going to reach my over all weight loss goal. I will always over think. That is just who I am... I just need to focus towards something that is productive, instead of the negative.

Keeping the head up and moving forward.

Side note: My new plan for trying to incorporate morning work outs, is to wake up every day at the same time. Whether going for a run or just doing some exercise in my apartment. Every day I will attempt to do some fitness in the morning and still do my normal routine at night. My hope is to get in a routine and then start to increase my miles again. Yay for planning!

Wait... You Mean Everything Isn't Perfect?

"I would be so much happier if I lost weight..."

I don't know how many times I said this. Over and over I repeated this line before I lost weight and even at the beginning of it all. I was so unhappy, that was what I clung to. Losing weight = Happiness.

I would like to say, for the most part... yes. Yes, I am 99.9% happier than I was at 300 lbs. I feel better, move better and over all have a way better attitude. However... there is still that .1%. That .1% that creeps up on me from time to time... the .1% that can take me off track for just a bit.

I have been in the largest of large funks this week and it has been extremely hard to shake myself of this. I have been feeling increasingly insecure about my body. The loose skin, the excess weight still there and the fact that I haven't lost a significant amount of weight in a year. Yeah, I said a YEAR. I have been pretty in denial about that fact.

One of the things I loved so much about losing weight, was dropping the dress sizes! To date I have dropped 7 dresses sizes since starting this journey. Pretty amazing to think about. I became so used to dropping at least 2 dress sizes a year, that when I was trying my shorts on for this summer... they fit. Perfectly. Now I am sure you are going to think I am crazy but... I was a little irritated. This is the first season in a few years that I didn't have to buy new clothes. The shirts are a little big yes, but everything fits. I guess I wasn't ready for that yet.

With everything I have written above... I guess what it comes down to is, some days, I have "fat" days. Days where I feel like I am over weight and am mad at myself for not continuing on the fast track to the healthy BMI.... that .1% of unhappiness that I still feel.

ANYWAYS...

I can't let this post be all negative. That isn't me!

I haven't written anything since before the half marathon. WOW! I had the best time and have the best friends and family. The day couldn't have been more perfect. I ran almost the entire thing...! (year you read that right!) I finished in 2 hrs and 57 min. Which is only 2 minutes faster than last year... but I ran almost the entire thing! I walked when I drank water and that was a trick I learned right away. The first water stand I grabbed a cup... kept running... took a drink... and spilled the whole thing over my face and clothes. Lessons learned.... I am not the best at multi-tasking! I also walked when I eat my endurance cubes, let's be honest... that was needed.

The best moment of the day... running across that finish line and seeing my friends and family cheering like crazy! My grandparents, aunt, parents, sister and so many of my favorite people traveled to see me run across that finish line. This special little girl that I love dearly was even there with her little "Go Holly" t shirt. Damn do I love that. I love them all for being there. Specifically a certain man that drove 400 miles to see me on my big day. I still have a hard time talking to my boyfriend about this epic journey I have been on. Don't ask me why, because I don't understand it either. I just do. However, he knew how much this day meant to me and he was there 100% to support me. A girl couldn't be more lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people.

So I started this post whining and I end on a positive note. That is how I think it should be. Things may get me down, but there is always something or someone to bring me back up.

Remember to not let negativity run your life. Keep your head up.

Half Marathon Eve...

Well, it is that time again. The day before one of the biggest runs I will ever do. I am sitting here thinking about last year and how emotional this whole journey has been.

Last year...

Thinking about the tears, the doubts and over all emotional rollercoaster that was my training last year, it seems like ages ago. I didn't know if I would make it, I didn't know if that was what I wanted to do and if it was in me to finish. This previously 300 lbs. girl was going to try to run something that most people wouldn't even try. I was mad for making the goal, amazed that I was actually doing it and sure that I wasn't going to make it... but I did. I got over my doubts, proved to myself I could and crossed that finish line with pride and amazement.

The friends and family who helped me achieve that goal are priceless to me. The support, encouragement and all out faith they had in me can never be repaid. Seeing them at the finish line and there for one of the biggest moments of my life, I can't even put into words what it meant to me. They knew something that I didn't that day... I would make it.

This year...

This past year has been just as much of an emotional rollercoaster as last year. There is one difference though... I have more faith in myself. It has still been hard on my body, still have my doubts and still have those tears. The pressure is off of wondering if I am going to make it though. Sure, I still have a little doubt, but deep down...I know I will. The training was just as hard on me this year as it was last year. How can it  not be when I am running 10 plus miles on a regular basis? There were less runs though of having to make myself get out there. I can't explain why this year is so different and how I am more mentally prepared for it... I just am.

I am going to have a large group of friends and family there for me tomorrow. It still brings tears to my eyes knowing everyone that is standing behind me 100% I have family coming from out of town and my friends that are driving hours to be here for me. My boyfriend that will be coming back specifically for this and my local friends willing to get up early to meet me on the route and at the finish line. I absolutely love them all. They will never know how much this means to me to see them there. They inspire and motivate me to get to that finish line and complete something I had never dreamed of only a few years ago.

2 years ago I had this lovely couple invite me over for dinner, loan me a book and help me take my journey to that next level. I never knew they would help me find my love of running. They have supported, encouraged and knew before I did, that I could do this. The same goes for my training partner (aka partner in crime). If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have made it last year. We didn't train together this year, but we still are running, still encouraging each other.

So many others have helped me through this training, they know who they are. Couldn't have made it with out their advice, encouragement and listening to my endless whining at times. The endless texts, endless running posts and endless talking about running... my friends are patient as all heck. :)

So here I am again, the day before the big run. I am sipping my coffee and thinking about the past and wondering what is ahead in my future.