Wait... You Mean Everything Isn't Perfect?

"I would be so much happier if I lost weight..."

I don't know how many times I said this. Over and over I repeated this line before I lost weight and even at the beginning of it all. I was so unhappy, that was what I clung to. Losing weight = Happiness.

I would like to say, for the most part... yes. Yes, I am 99.9% happier than I was at 300 lbs. I feel better, move better and over all have a way better attitude. However... there is still that .1%. That .1% that creeps up on me from time to time... the .1% that can take me off track for just a bit.

I have been in the largest of large funks this week and it has been extremely hard to shake myself of this. I have been feeling increasingly insecure about my body. The loose skin, the excess weight still there and the fact that I haven't lost a significant amount of weight in a year. Yeah, I said a YEAR. I have been pretty in denial about that fact.

One of the things I loved so much about losing weight, was dropping the dress sizes! To date I have dropped 7 dresses sizes since starting this journey. Pretty amazing to think about. I became so used to dropping at least 2 dress sizes a year, that when I was trying my shorts on for this summer... they fit. Perfectly. Now I am sure you are going to think I am crazy but... I was a little irritated. This is the first season in a few years that I didn't have to buy new clothes. The shirts are a little big yes, but everything fits. I guess I wasn't ready for that yet.

With everything I have written above... I guess what it comes down to is, some days, I have "fat" days. Days where I feel like I am over weight and am mad at myself for not continuing on the fast track to the healthy BMI.... that .1% of unhappiness that I still feel.

ANYWAYS...

I can't let this post be all negative. That isn't me!

I haven't written anything since before the half marathon. WOW! I had the best time and have the best friends and family. The day couldn't have been more perfect. I ran almost the entire thing...! (year you read that right!) I finished in 2 hrs and 57 min. Which is only 2 minutes faster than last year... but I ran almost the entire thing! I walked when I drank water and that was a trick I learned right away. The first water stand I grabbed a cup... kept running... took a drink... and spilled the whole thing over my face and clothes. Lessons learned.... I am not the best at multi-tasking! I also walked when I eat my endurance cubes, let's be honest... that was needed.

The best moment of the day... running across that finish line and seeing my friends and family cheering like crazy! My grandparents, aunt, parents, sister and so many of my favorite people traveled to see me run across that finish line. This special little girl that I love dearly was even there with her little "Go Holly" t shirt. Damn do I love that. I love them all for being there. Specifically a certain man that drove 400 miles to see me on my big day. I still have a hard time talking to my boyfriend about this epic journey I have been on. Don't ask me why, because I don't understand it either. I just do. However, he knew how much this day meant to me and he was there 100% to support me. A girl couldn't be more lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people.

So I started this post whining and I end on a positive note. That is how I think it should be. Things may get me down, but there is always something or someone to bring me back up.

Remember to not let negativity run your life. Keep your head up.

Half Marathon Eve...

Well, it is that time again. The day before one of the biggest runs I will ever do. I am sitting here thinking about last year and how emotional this whole journey has been.

Last year...

Thinking about the tears, the doubts and over all emotional rollercoaster that was my training last year, it seems like ages ago. I didn't know if I would make it, I didn't know if that was what I wanted to do and if it was in me to finish. This previously 300 lbs. girl was going to try to run something that most people wouldn't even try. I was mad for making the goal, amazed that I was actually doing it and sure that I wasn't going to make it... but I did. I got over my doubts, proved to myself I could and crossed that finish line with pride and amazement.

The friends and family who helped me achieve that goal are priceless to me. The support, encouragement and all out faith they had in me can never be repaid. Seeing them at the finish line and there for one of the biggest moments of my life, I can't even put into words what it meant to me. They knew something that I didn't that day... I would make it.

This year...

This past year has been just as much of an emotional rollercoaster as last year. There is one difference though... I have more faith in myself. It has still been hard on my body, still have my doubts and still have those tears. The pressure is off of wondering if I am going to make it though. Sure, I still have a little doubt, but deep down...I know I will. The training was just as hard on me this year as it was last year. How can it  not be when I am running 10 plus miles on a regular basis? There were less runs though of having to make myself get out there. I can't explain why this year is so different and how I am more mentally prepared for it... I just am.

I am going to have a large group of friends and family there for me tomorrow. It still brings tears to my eyes knowing everyone that is standing behind me 100% I have family coming from out of town and my friends that are driving hours to be here for me. My boyfriend that will be coming back specifically for this and my local friends willing to get up early to meet me on the route and at the finish line. I absolutely love them all. They will never know how much this means to me to see them there. They inspire and motivate me to get to that finish line and complete something I had never dreamed of only a few years ago.

2 years ago I had this lovely couple invite me over for dinner, loan me a book and help me take my journey to that next level. I never knew they would help me find my love of running. They have supported, encouraged and knew before I did, that I could do this. The same goes for my training partner (aka partner in crime). If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have made it last year. We didn't train together this year, but we still are running, still encouraging each other.

So many others have helped me through this training, they know who they are. Couldn't have made it with out their advice, encouragement and listening to my endless whining at times. The endless texts, endless running posts and endless talking about running... my friends are patient as all heck. :)

So here I am again, the day before the big run. I am sipping my coffee and thinking about the past and wondering what is ahead in my future.

Keep Moving and Challenging Myself

First off...

I am still training for the half marathon that is less than a month away!!! I am more excited this year than I was last. I will never forget the run last year, but I was so nervous I wouldn't be able to finish, that that was all I focused on. This year, I know I can finish the run. My goal is to have fun and push myself to do my best.

I had a distance run last week that was a little difficult. The first part was getting my ass out the door. I wasn't into it and didn't feel like running distance.  Backing out wasn't an option though. I was running in a different neighborhood and got lost for a bit. Then about 6 miles in I took a face plant. ( I know some of you reading this aren't surprised that I fell haha) I tripped over the uneven sidewalk and banged up my knee and got a few scrapes. I sat there for a minute and asked myself if I was going to go on or go home... I went on. I ran another 6+ miles and got myself home. Sure I felt like crap, wanted to quit, but I didn't. I sure as hell pushed forward and didn't throw in the towel.

I. Kept. Moving.

This weeks distance run, how do I say this... It sucked. My friend Jamie (training partner for last year) and I went on a distance run and started at the top of the bluff. Too many layers, didn't eat enough and wasn't hydrated enough for this run. We ended up having to re-fill our water bottles (which I have never done) and kept going. I finished 2 minutes faster than I did the previous week during my face plant run... but it was a HUGE mental game to keeping going... but I kept moving. I got pretty sick after (isn't running glamorous?) and didn't want to ever run distance again... I will be doing it again this week! haha

Second part... The Challenge!

My new challenge is actually recycled from when I first started the biggest loser contest waaaay  back in 2011. It is to do some physical activity every day. I know I am doing a lot more than I did back then, but why can't I drop and do 100 crunches or a few push ups on my off day? No reason not to. Tomorrow will be a full week of doing daily physical activity. I want to see how far I can go with this, so I haven't set an end date. Keeps me moving and challenges me to do just a little bit more.

One more thing!!

I got a team together at work to start a new contest called Lose It! There was 18 people from my department alone that signed up. The contest officially starts tomorrow and goes until June 1st. I am ready to do this!! So happy there was a good turn out for our group.

Keep your head up and keeping moving.

For a girl that used to be over 300 lbs. I have to stop and look back once in a while... I am not doing so bad!

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   A sweet side note: After every distance run I do, there is one person that is the first to text me. My boyfriend has been part of my running "routine" since last fall. He is the first person I text after a run or is the first to ask me how it went. Always encouraging and telling me it will be alright when I don't think I did well. The poor guy has to hear me whine a lot a bout aches and pains, but never complains. He is a keeper, that's for sure.

Broken Record

I feel like a broken record. Always "starting over" and "getting back on track" and never really getting anywhere these days... as far as food is concerned.

I am doing well with the fitness, but as we all know, it is a balancing act between that and eating healthy. I am not counting calories like I did before. I am not measuring food either. I am coasting along with nutrition and not trying as hard as I used to. However, I am still making healthier choices by making sure I am choosing healthy food over the junk. That isn't enough though.

One can still over eat on healthy food. Sure you chose a salad... then you have yogurt, string cheese, apple and on and on. All healthy food, but the amount of calories still add up. I can be a "boredom eater", "Stress eater" (aw hell an emotional eater) sometimes and just eat because I want to. Letting my emotions run my nutrition is not healthy. Period. Even the foods that seem "healthy" can take me of track because I didn't look closer at the nutrition label. I always say I can be a control freak (not a bad thing sometimes). I have lost a little of that control I had over the healthier foods. Smaller portions and not eating when I am not hungry... that is where I need to rein things in.

This week the goal is to only eat the food I have planned for. Only the snacks I bring, only the lunch I made and only the dinner I planned. Nothing extra, even if someone brings food in. I used to be really good at turning things down, but I have gotten too "comfortable" with my choices. I need to get back into that routine. (broken record!)

A bigger goal isn't only better. Sometimes it is the trail of smaller goals that gets you to the ultimate one.

Next goal: No extra food for the week.

Losing Weight vs. Getting Fit?

That is always the question that runs through my mind when I get frustrated over the number on the scale. I have so  many people remind me, almost daily, that I am building muscle and that weighs more than fat... so the scale doesn't matter anymore.

That is a concept that I am not sure I will ever fully accept. I have lived by the scale since I started this journey. I admit, a bit obsessively. I get asked quite frequently ... "How much weight have you lost?" If I am not to measure my healthiness by the number on the scale... how am I to answer the question? How am I to feel like I am making progress?

I started doing hot yoga recently and have incorporated weights into my weekly workouts. I can tell a difference in my body already. Even though I have the excess skin, the muscles below that are there and becoming defined. I can even tell the difference when I run. My posture is better and the recovery is a lot faster than it was last year. The lbs. haven't changed, but my body sure has.

I recently had a night where I had a tiny bit of a melt down over gaining 2 lbs. It was one of those days where nothing was going right and I hopped on the scale to see where I was at for the day. I looked down and...I had gained. It just seemed like the last straw for that night. It didn't matter that I had just gotten done with hot yoga and was able to do a pose I hadn't been able to do before. It didn't matter that I fit comfortably in my size 10's and recently ordered bridesmaid dress 7 sizes smaller than the first one I had ever ordered. All that mattered to me in that moment was the number on the scale. It was an emotional low that I will unfortunately have more of. I can accept that... I can also accept the fact that I will always have someone in my life to help me out of those lows. I have so many people that help me when I feel frustrated.  I am also not the girl crying over French fries anymore, I am strong enough now, that I can bring myself out of those moments of frustration.

So back to the question of losing weight vs. getting fit... My body is capable of so much more than I have ever thought. Getting fit and proving to myself that I can do some pretty awesome things... that is what is most important to me. What is the point of losing the weight if I am not doing it in a healthy way and staying fit at the same time? I would rather have the muscles and be able to improve my physical fitness than lose an extreme amount of weight and not be physically healthy. Being skinny doesn't always mean healthy and that is something I forget quite frequently.


I will never not care about the number on the scale... but as long as I am healthy and can still see progress, I will be 100 times happier than I ever was 4 years ago.

Being So Wrong...

Everyone has some sort of body issue. Doesn't matter who you are, one can always find something wrong with their body. Growing up and being over weight, I always had the thought "I will would be much happier if I lost weight. All my problems will be solved.".

How naïve was I to base all my happiness on the number I saw on a scale. I was an unhappy 300 lb. girl who KNEW all my problems would be fixed... if I was skinny. A lot of my unhappiness was based on my weight and the insecurities I felt with being so big. I used food as a crutch when I was sad or disappointed. Hell, I used food to celebrate and "relax". I was dealing with my feelings in all the wrong ways and my solution to those feelings... was still incorrect.

With having lost 130 lbs. in the last 3 years, I can say with all honesty... I AM HAPPIER. I have grown so much in the last 3 years and wouldn't take any of it back. It has been hard work, emotionally draining and one hell of a good time. However, the weight loss hasn't been the cure all for my body issues that I still have. Simply, I have the same issues with a few added new ones.

Recently I read an article highlighting this topic and have been thinking more and more about these insecurities. I've had this issue before, where I look in the mirror and see the same 300 lb. girl that I was. I don't see that person when looking in the mirror today, but I still feel huge some days. I have been the same weight for months and can't seem to get past it. The more I think about it the more frustrated I get.

Between the number on the scale and the excess skin I see on my body... that happiness that I am supposed to be feeling dwindles a little more. I get so angry at myself at times for letting myself get so big. I see that skin and it reminds me of how I ruined my body... harsh thoughts, but honest thoughts.

As time goes on, these thoughts come less and less. I am a fighter and won't let negativity bring me down. However, bringing that awareness that weight loss will NOT solve all your problems is very important. Anyone going through a life changing journey like this will have negative thoughts, but those moments will not define who you are.

I am not perfect and can't be positive all the time. As long as I don't let the negativity overwhelm me, I will survive and WILL be a happier person because of it. The number on the scale or size of my clothes do not define who I am... This journey has showed me way more than I ever thought it would.

Now I Am More Fun? No.

I had someone point out recently that I have changed... once again. The friend made a comment of how I am not super controlling of what I am eat/drink when out and about anymore. The meaning behind the statement was that I was always controlling of everything I eat and drank and conscious of my portion and now I simply am not. The friend didn't mean anything by it. Just a simple statement of "now you are fun.". Little did this person know that it would make me ask... What the hell am I doing?

At the time, that was news to me. I didn't think I had changed my habits and had just been having a busier social life... nothing wrong with that right? After really thinking about the events I have been attending, the food I have been eating, portions, drinks and more, it is no wonder I have been stuck in this rut of not losing any weight.

I used to worry about what I was going to order, what drinks I was going to have and even if I should eat before I left. I don't know when those thoughts went out the window, but I sure haven't been thinking about that stuff lately. Sure, my portions are still smaller than they used to be, but pair that up with some drinks and there you go, recipe for disaster (weight gain). It has been an endless cycle of losing the weight during the week and gaining the weight over the weekend. Thank goodness I haven't gained more weight than I could lose in a week... it has just been a never ending circle.

I know I can't be in control every minute, but I used to be so good at that. It was hard, but I would be able to keep within my rules I set for myself. Again, I don't know where my thoughts have been recently, but I need to snap out of this self indulgence.

Now that I am more aware of what I am doing (once again), it will be different. This just proves one cannot get "comfortable" in their healthier lifestyle. Things start to slip and healthy habits start going out the window (again).

A big thank you to my friend, who was blissfully unaware of how their statement would affect me. It is good sometimes to take a step back and realize where you are at with things.

Keeping my head up and moving forward.