What is Wrong With You?

That is what I keep asking myself. Why can't I have a normal relationship with food? Why can't I lose weight?  Why am I so insecure and over think... What is wrong with me?

As I continue through this rollercoaster of a journey, I struggle to keep positive as I find my normal again. I am a creature of habit. I need a routine of food prep and exercise to stay on track. It has been difficult finding that normal again with school, training and work. I feel like I am stressing myself out because I don't have that normal and I connect that to being the only success option for my weight loss. As an emotional eater, the stress is counterproductive.

Last week was a struggle for some reason. Not only with food, but my 9  miles run was terrible. Like really terrible. I couldn't get in my groove and struggled after 2 miles. The whole time I am just thinking "how can you NOT do this?". At the end of the run, the time wasn't as bad as I thought and I felt like a real ass about how I was acting. The negative thoughts that poured in with every step will never help the moment. The negative thoughts just make a difficult time even worse. However, I picked myself back up (bc I couldn't call anyone to do pick me up!) and kept going. One foot in front of the other and I got myself there. No matter what happened during that run... I finished.

There was also a moment last week that made me step back. I was in the gym here doing a workout that happened to have a LOT of burpees (Thanks Crystal!). There was this guys that kept looking over at me and then going to speak to a woman on a treadmill. My first thought was... they are making fun of me. As this has happened on numerous occasions before, I think it is a legit thought and one that many with a similar story' as mine would relate to. When I got done with my workout and was about to leave, the guy stopped me and said something that surprised me.... "Where did you learn to do all that? You were killin' it." I initially wasn't expecting that, but thinking on it now... why the hell not? So I told the guy about CG and the types of workouts we do, he seemed impressed! I walked away with my head high and a small feeling of shame that my first thought was so negative.

I NEED to get that positive mindset back. I don't know how I lost it... but I need to find it again. As I make "mistakes" and binge or maybe don't lose during the week... I keep saying tomorrow or the next meal, I got it. No matter how many times I have fallen in this journey it is so important that I pick myself back up. So today... I say tomorrow will be better. 

I hope this post helps someone else who may be struggling with self negativity... know that you are not alone.💜


Half Marathon training update: 10 miles this week!

Starting Over Sucks... But it's On

Schedules are made, recipes are picked out and flashy new leggings have arrived... I think I am ready!

Things have changed so  much since I initially started this journey. That is a good thing! However, it keeps me guessing about how to find that right combination again. I need to remember that there was a TON of trial and error at the beginning and that will continue... forever! 

Food planning is extremely important. I am a self admitted food addict. I stress eat, depressed eat, excited eat and everything in between. While working from home I have learned that I absolutely can't keep food in the house that I can binge on. It is sad I can't trust myself, but at least I am honest with myself about it. My goal is to have an 80/20 diet. 80% healthy choices and 20% of stepping out. I feel like the 20% takes the pressure off and keeps me from feeling like I did something wrong, feeling shame or disappointment with myself. 

The exercise is on point and planned out! I made a legit training/workout schedule for the upcoming half marathons. I run on Monday, Wednesdays and Saturdays. I will then do my cross training of Camp Gladiator on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It is definitely more intense training schedule than I have ever done, but I am hoping that it will help me reach goals with weight loss and the half marathon. This Thursday I also signed up for a webinar on "not your average runners" training for a half marathon. I am hoping to learn some tips and tricks! Half of the training and getting the mental mindset is doing your homework and reading up on others that may inspire you. I feel like I am setting a successful path... a hard path... but successful!

Last weekend was my first distance run in a while. 5 miles of hill running. I don't know what I was thinking going to that park, but I guess I decided I needed MORE of a challenge. Over all things felt good. I ran the majority of it and did it in a decent time. The only bummer of the run was puking my guts out after. That seems to have started early this time! I am currently reading up on how to prevent this. Once I find that right combination of hydration and food, I will do another post specifically on that. I can't be the only one with this issue right? …. well hopefully not! 

So there is the update after my first week of getting back to it. I couldn't wait to do this post and that makes me very happy. I hope this helps someone out there... you aren't alone! 

Holly

A New New Small Victories

2 years… over 2 years since I have posted. Where has the time gone? I could fill this post with 100 excuses of why. Why I have derailed, why I haven't continued to blog, etc... but I won't. I don't want to look back at the fabulous mess I have been. I want to look to the future and improving myself.

What's new...

• We still live in North Carolina and have sort of found our spot. It hasn't been easy for me to adjust working from home full time, but it gets better as the time goes on. 
• I have found a workout class that works really well for me. It is a boot came style class that is outdoors. The trainer is amazing, the workouts kick my butt and I have met some fabulous people. I have been going for a year, with some travel breaks. 
• I have gained about 20 lbs. the last 3 years. That sentence is extremely hard for me to write. I have been disappointed, ashamed and discouraged by it. I have lost and gained about 10 lbs. of that in the past year. Right now I am back down about 6 lbs. from my 20 lb. gain. 
• Running! I have found my spark again. Last September I did a run at Hinson Lake. It is a 24 hour run where you just get in as many miles as you can. I plan on doing a whole blog post about this amazing time, but wanted to bring it up. It gave me the motivation I have lacked for a couple years. 
• 2 Half Marathons are in my future for 2019! 
• I am going back to school for my bachelors in Business.

I think that about sums up my journey the last few years I have been radio silent on the blog. The journey derailed, but I am feeling confident and positive I am back in the right mind. It is a different lifestyle I live from when I first started this journey. It has been hard (really hard) to adjust, but feel I may be ready again. I hit another low... anxiety over how I looked, worried about what people thought and not wanting to do things because I gained some weight. I am done.

So here is to another year, a new start to this journey and all the goals and challenges to come in 2019! 

I am happy to be back!

Challenge Accepted... Challenge Completed: Clean Eating for a Week

The past week I accepted a "clean eating challenge". It isn't something I had ever thought I would try and not really something, I feel, I could personally do for the rest of my life... BUT it was a great challenge and really opened my eyes to the food I had been eating.


I prepped for the week by making a meal plan. That can be tough! Thank goodness for Pinterest! I chose a lot of crock pot meals and easy ones to put together. I didn't have to do a lot of meal prep on Sunday, just more so figure out what I wanted to make.


I have always been very strong in my opinion of... you can't just go "cold turkey" for a change. You are just setting yourself up to fail. So, my goal for the week was 90% clean eating. That left room for some tweaks and not feeling like I had so much of a restriction.


Over all I think it was a success. I am not talking about weight loss success (which I did lose a few lbs). I am talking about just feeling "clean" on the inside. There were times I did feel hungry, which I was able to drink water or have a snack when that happened. Over all I felt my energy for the day was up, workouts went better and I just felt lighter... if that makes sense?


I continued to count calories during this past week and was surprised at how much I was able to eat. Not all "clean" foods are low in calories, but I kept that in mind when making my meal plan. Lots of veggies, fruit and natural ingredients. I was able to eat quite a bit and stay within my calorie goal.


I learned a lot during the week. I am going to try to incorporate this in my meals and snacks for the future. Just because it is "low calorie" doesn't mean it is healthy. I feel I am going to choose the more natural snack vs a low calorie "100 ingredient" snack... at times. It is all about balance and what works well for me.


When I went grocery shopping for this week, I checked all the ingredients in the food I chose. Some things still had quite a few, but I passed up on a few things that I would have normally bought. Having an "all or nothing" attitude doesn't always help. It is so easy to get down and even fail. Hopefully making these small victories will help me on my journey of just being overall healthy.


I stepped out of my comfort zone on this and am really glad that I did.


Challenge was accepted... challenge was completed


Do you think you could/would try it?






Example Menu of 1 day clean eating:


Breakfast- Blueberry oatmeal muffin and Coffee
Lunch- Chicken and Veg lettuce wrap
Snack- Apple
Dinner- Orange Chicken (crockpot) w/ stir fry veggies

Try, Fail, Try, Fail, Try....

That has pretty much been the pattern since moving here. Try to eat low cal, try to work out 5 days a week, it is an endless cycle. No one said this journey was easy though.


I have been doing really good this past couple of weeks. I am not seeing the # on the scale do anything, but have been feel strong when working out. I have been sticking to my 5 days a week of solid workouts. Feels so great! Even on the days I didn't really want to. I have been having more good days than bad as far as calories go. Over all... it is a wash. lol!


What can I do? I keep moving forward. A friend gave me some advice the other day. Long story short- I may not be eating enough calories to balance out the workouts. Essentially putting my body into preservation mode. Who knew I could eat too LITTLE calories to not lose weight? I get it, I do. Plus I need the calories to keep the energy to workout. The hard part is shaking that mentality of cutting calories. I mean that is how I lost the fist 115, why can't I continue? I can't bc I can't cut anymore than I have and still function as a person ...


SO! I need to make the calories count. Stay on the lower end, but pay  more attention to protein intake and all of that. We will see what happens, I was never very good at paying attention to that, but before.. I didn't totally need to. However if that could get me past this rut I have been in? I am willing to try!




In other news...


We are settling in well in NC. I have already done 2 5k runs since  moving here... we have been here two months! (are you surprised?) I have been finding a lot to do and still getting used to the whole working at home thing. I am slowly getting my routine down, which over all is making me feel more comfortable here.


Keeping it positive and moving forward. That is the only way to survive this wild journey.

No Pictures Allowed? How I lost Myself This Past Year...

I was looking at some pictures on the wall the other day. Remembering the good times I have had with my friends and family. All of a sudden it hit me... I do not have any pictures from the past year, up on the walls.


When losing the weight, I loved trying on clothes, taking pictures and over all... looking in the mirror at my progress. Since gaining this 15 lbs., I have become extremely self-conscious. I have gotten worried when trying on clothes, trying to "suck it in" when taking pictures and just standing in front of the mirror like "what the f?".


Of course when things are going your way,  it doesn't matter if it is weight loss or whatever, everything is sunshine and rainbows. Once things aren't going your way (not losing weight or gaining), you start to doubt yourself, get negative and even feel shame.


I feel it. I feel the shame and will stand in front of that mirror and just say "what is wrong with you?". I am sure I am not the only one in the world feeling this way, but it is such a huge step back. The only thing I can be grateful for, is that it isn't every day. That would be one negative life! I know it is an emotional black hole, that is very hard to dig yourself out of. I am not perfect. I can't keep a positive attitude 100%. However, I like the 80/20 rule. I am allowed 20% of negativity to 80% of positivity. I think that is a good balance.


Apparently I have been, without realizing it, ashamed of how I look, so I didn't want any pictures up to show it. Now that I am aware of what I was doing, I am going to get some pics up. I need to. I need to prove to myself I am not that far off from where I was. I can get there again, I just have to find the right path.


What I am doing today helps. I have been continuing my 5 day a week workouts. I have been running 2 days a week, 2 days of weights and a day of yoga or Pilates. I also have been using my Loseit app and counting calories religiously again. Steps in the right direction.


 Since moving to NC, I do go out to eat more often, which is a change from when I originally started this journey. I am aware though that my choices are more so of what I want at the time and not being prepared to find the healthiest meal on the menu. Being aware and admitting the miss step, is a small victory.


 The plan  moving forward is to stay away from the "3 C's"... Nothing Creamy, Crunchy or Cheesy, when out for dinner. Keep it in check. I don't want to ruin my weeks progress on a few high calorie meals over the weekend. I am still able to be out and enjoy time with my boyfriend w/o feeling guilty about what I am eating.


Turning a little negativity into a whole lot of positivity. I am starting to feel like my "old/new" self, once again.


Keep your head up.

Yes! I am still alive.

It has been a long time since I have even attempted a post. I could give you a laundry list of why... but I won't. It has been a while, but I am back! We will leave it at that.


One bit of exciting news is that I am writing this blog post from.... North Carolina! Yes, I left my homeland of WI and am now living in North Carolina with Kedrick. We made the move so that we would be closer to his job sites and he wouldn't have to travel so much. Needless to say... it has been an adventure!


I am settling in pretty well. I was able to keep my job and am working from home. That is very very new to me. I am a social person, so it has been a hard adjustment so far. It will be worth it though! I love my job and the people I work with, so we will make it work.


On thing that is extremely hard with working from home, is not going overboard with snacking and eating through they day. The plus about physically going to work is that I would bring my food for the day and that was it. I wouldn't have the option really to eat more or "graze". That has been very difficult. I have kept pretty healthy snacks and only getting food that I need for the week and that is it. It has helped, but I know there are days I eat more than I should have. Over eating healthy food is totally a thing! I am not going to beat myself up about it, but I need to make sure those days are few and far between. More to come on this! I will find a way to make it work.


So that is where I am at with my relationship with food... trying to hold myself back. My workout routine has been rockin though! I am very much a routine person. Now that we have been here a few weeks, I feel like I am finally getting it. I am working out in the morning, 5 days a week and doing activity at night. There is a gym here at the apartment and even a pool. Since I work a little later here, I get the gym to myself every day. How awesome is that?? I am also getting my running back. I go to a trail that is close by and run my laps. It is peaceful and again, not a whole lot of people around.


I think I am finally getting back to me. Trying to live that healthy lifestyle without stressing myself out too much. I actually am not even weighing myself as much as I had been... which was obsessively! Still haven't lost the weight that I have gained, but I am getting healthy, that is what it is about!


So this is the start of hopefully writing more on the blog, going out and exploring my new city and have a lot more adventures.


Cheers!